Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 757
I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people's doors and running away. God that was a good game.
I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.
Her long tan legs<br /> Those dark bed room eyes<br /> Her deep, sexy voice<br /> Her huge protruding Adam’s apple… hey, wait a minute?
Granted, not really a joke, but how often do you get a mic in your hand? You know? So. I am sorry but don't anybody trip on my soap box on the way out. Don't anybody trip over that. And the chip on my shoulder's a little heavy. I have back problems now.
When I was in grade school I was into chess club, Latin club, D&D, computer camp - everything that made vaginas go away.
In a normal family, a surprise means presents, cake and a party. For me ? I had no idea. And my family, doing something nice is seen as an attack. When I was nine, I 'attacked' my father with a fathers day gift. A visor organiser for his car, because it was useful. And it rhymed. Visor. Organiser. I was nine.
Are a lot of eight year olds that stressed? Do we got a lot of eight year old kids coming home from school going, “Oh, man, my day today. I could not make a cursive S to save my life.”
I love golf. I think Tiger Woods should open up a black golf club. You know, we go to white golf courses and they’re always yelling “Four!” You go to a black golf club, it be “Fo!”
The only thing harder than leaving show business is coming back.
Why do we always have the wrong number? You might have the wrong fucking house!
Kept looking for something to be in with. Follow someone’s blueprint. But you have to be on your own.
I have New Age friends who gave their little girl a toolbox of plastic tools. They were horrified later that night when they came into her room and found out she was putting the hammer to bed.
My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.