Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 757
God picked us to be the slaves because we can handle it…. If the white folks would have been slaves, the shit would have ended in 20 minutes. “Chains! And it’s not gold!... Call my lawyer!... Get your things Susan we’re out of here.”
If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
Isn't it a little ironic here? We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn't that a little backwards?
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,<br /> For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.<br /> America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,<br /> And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
And everything's over when your grandma walks in, get that dick outta the fish tank! Time for supper!
They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.
You forget how crazy people are in New York, all the people on the sidewalk. When you leave here, everyone's in their car. But I get back here - I just went to throw something in the garbage, and there was a guy in the garbage. And he wasn't looking in it; he is in it, looking out over 9th Ave like a fisherman.
The reason I'm a psychologist is based in part on my telephone routines. Much of my humor comes out of reaction to what other people are saying. A psychologist is a man who listens, who is sympathetic.
I don’t get back to Iowa very often. I mean, it took me a long time to realize that we were free to go.
You wanna know how you know you’re informed as a protestor? They don’t show your interview on TV.
I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid...