Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 758
I'll take on somebody if they're offending the entire culture, not just offending me.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
America: where Irish, English, Germans, Scandinavians, Poles and Italians come together to kill Indians, lynch niggers and beat the shit out of spics and Jews.
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
You can never give complete authority and overall power to anyone until trust can be proven.
Girls dress sexy, right? Even sweat pants now -- kind of tight, got the writing on the ass, little messages. Who knows what it's gonna say? It's like a little fortune cookie right on your ass: 'Sexy. Baby Doll. Juicy. Look at my ass.' I'm like, 'Excellent. I've been meaning to read more.' I'm tearing through five, six asses a day. Sometimes, I just read half and stick a bookmark in it.
I hadn't seen a body put together like that since I solved the case of the Murdered Girl with the Big Tits.
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."
College was a wonderful time - except, of course, when it was trying to teach you things.
I really think I'm at the top of my game right now, and I have the tools that I've learned over the years, so I feel really good about what I'm doing onstage now.
I don't think crucifixion is the answer. I believe in the resurrection. I like that part of the story.
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"