Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 758
Life can be really hard some times but its better than being a butterfly where you only live a month.
If you really really don’t like someone, like you really don’t like someone, buy them a pony. Cause, "You know what, fuck you! Take care of this pony!"
Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.
Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't die?
How complicated can ice cream flavors be? How much can you put in there? I mean, when the flavor's something like banana ice cream with caramel, fudge chunks, cheddar goldfish and pennies -- you've got to draw a line there.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
Did you know they had home paternity tests now at Rite Aid? Not pregnancy tests. Paternity tests. So you can go down the aisle… you and your kid, ‘Uh, let’s get some toilet paper. You want an ice cream cone? You know, while we’re at it why don’t we see who your daddy is.”
Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. "I don't think this dude can see."
I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.
That's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one is don't lick the pins.
I’ve never really thought of myself as depressed as much as paralyzed by hope.