Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 758

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

My grandpa didn't believe in hugging and kissing, or saying "I love you." His love had to do with the way he treated you. When he said, "We're going here, we're going there," he was telling me about life. That was his love for me. My love for him was listening to what he said, keeping out of trouble, doing right, being fair.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

To this day I can't get aroused until I see a pair of rubber dice hanging from the mirror.

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

I really shine in front of prominently Jewish crowds. Normally I really beat myself up, but as far as Jewish audiences go, I’m at the top of my game.

Wow! Another steaming pile of good news!

When women can't climax, it's our fault, but when we can't get an erection, we have to go to the doctor.

I don't think crucifixion is the answer. I believe in the resurrection. I like that part of the story.

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.

Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don't want you spreading that around.

I'll think of the idea and then I'll write something down, then within that there will be a joke or two which is the original thing which I thought was funny.

How dare you have wino tell me not to do drugs.

At his wife's 60th birthday party in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, Dick Cheney had a huge steak and battered onion rings for dinner. Afterward he met with 100 donors, not campaign donors, heart donors.

There were a number of referendums in '98 that most of the things I voted for passed. That's very satisfying when you feel that most of the country is in step with your views.