Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 771

If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 miles per hour... you might be a redneck.

My mom is very religious, and she said, ‘Whatever you think about all the time, that’s what you worship.’ If that’s the case, I’d like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People magazines.

I’ve never really thought of myself as depressed as much as paralyzed by hope.

I don't go out with my single friends - not at all - because I never have a good time, never have fun. We go to a club, a guy comes over - 'Hey, can I buy you a drink?' They're like, 'No, she's married.' I'm like, 'Yeah, I'm married, but I'm thirsty. Why don't you shut the hell up, and let me have a free drink?'

I think it would be a fatal mistake to use my show as a platform for controversial issues. I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

On Courtney Love: I was only in her company two hours, but I can’t blame that Kurt Cobain fella.

I have been privileged to get to know Kenny Dalgish and I would call him a friend – though his lawyer would call me a stalker (I don’t know why – just because I was in his garden!).

I remember when I was a little boy, I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

I went to computer class with my Dell and I was bullied by a guy with a Mac.

I'm astounded by people who want to "know" the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

He smiles so much, I don't think he has a central nervous system.

I met a girl a couple of weeks ago. She gonna tell me, “If you want to get acquainted with me and my son, you’ll have to take him to Disneyland.” Ain’t that a bitch? <br /> I went to pick her up the next day and here she got four more kids. I said, “Who kids are them?”<br /> She said, “Them Bebe’s Kids.”<br /> I said, “And where the fuck is Bebe?”<br /> She said, “Bebe went downtown.”<br /> I said, “Why didn’t she take her kids with her?”

When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?