Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 771

I mean, the death in the late eighties and early nineties really shook out a lot of hacks. The pond just sort of dried up for a lot of really bad comedians.

I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

I'd be far more content if I could mind someone else's business.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate.

When you realize you would consider not having a child just so you could take an occasional snooze and be available to see Batman Retires the same weekend it comes out, you have to take a good hard look at yourself and acknowledge, "I am a shallow, shallow person."

Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips.

I come around when you least expect me! I'm sitting at the bar when your glass is empty!

You look like something the dog just buried in the backyard and is trying to forget where.

Why keep trotting out this Billy Graham character? He has nothing to say and basically no one gives a fuck.

You know, they don't give these shows to chimps!

I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.