Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 771
I was licking jelly off of my boyfriend's penis and all of a sudden I'm thinking, "Oh My God, I'm turning into my mother!"
If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'
A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, "Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks!" and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, "C-C-C-Come in?"
I love golf. I think Tiger Woods should open up a black golf club. You know, we go to white golf courses and they’re always yelling “Four!” You go to a black golf club, it be “Fo!”
The welfare of our children is our main concern and their best interests are our first priority.
The way the people around you position themselves around you to get in your pockets and in your mind is infuriating to me.
Rip Van Winkle, who said, "Don't make the bed; I'm just going to the bathroom." Never got a dinner!
Vincent Van Gogh, who said to the hat salesman, "I like it, but it keeps sliding over my ear." Never got a dinner!
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!
I grew up in the projects and I know how important it is for kids to have hope.