Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 81
Sometimes I'd sit and talk to Nostradamus and he'd just sit there go, "I know. I know." Once I went to movies with Nostradamus. I said, "Boy, what did you think of that ending?" He goes, "What? You didn’t see that coming?"
Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they're born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
I find that at most theme parks, the theme is ‘Wait in Line, Fatty.’
I retired from acting the same time they stopped hiring me. But following my own thing of making these small indie movies has been the happiest I've ever been.
The only time Chevy Chase has a funny bone in his body is when I fuck him in the ass.
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.
I learned this one growing up in Texas and, subsequently, living in Los Angeles: always use the 'usted' form when speaking to a Spanish official. Mexican border patrol cops don't like it when you call them 'amigo,' give them a hardy pat on the back, slip a $20 in their pocket. No bueno, it doesn't fly. By the way, those of you not laughing at that obviously took French in high school, and that was a gay choice.
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, OK, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
I would like now to talk about the Japanese, a race of very short people who are always bending in half. You can't make an honest business deal with them because you can't look em' in the eye. I don't believe any group of people should be able to build a car they can't pronounce. I'm talking of course about the 'Cororra'.
How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy? Like 12? I've got a cousin who is 18... Yeah, still believes in gay marriage.
Eating fast food is like murdering hitchhikers. As long as you only do it every once in a while, it will never catch up with you. If the word “nugget” is anywhere on your menu, I won’t eat at your restaurant. For me, mcdonald’s is just an emergency bathroom in over 119 countries. A hamburger shouldn’t cost 99 cents. Eating right is expensive, but what you spend on organic food, you save on new underwear.
Instead my life has been like being mashed and mashed through a wine press until finally there will be nothing left but the desire to live by divine will, knowing what I'm really supposed to do and doing it.