Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 824

Apparently, I don’t know if this is true but I hope it is, I’ve heard it from a few reports, when we went up to get our awards apparently Clint Eastwood turned to someone that he was with and went, Who the fuck are they?

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.

Men don't hear women.

Lacy was just as happy alone as with company. When she was alone, she was potential; with others she was realized.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.

The monkey on my back is me.

I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.

My friends who have babies can’t do anything. Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.

A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.

Someone should come out with a man-woman dictionary, like those English-French ones.

There’s nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her. Because the kid can tell. “Here’s Tickle Me Elmo!” She’s like, “Fuck you!” I stand by my decision.