Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 852

I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting ruffied? It’s like relax. YOU can take the coaster off your drink. There are at least three of us in line ahead of you.

Dating is great unless you don't like horrible awkwardness, lying, and a deep foreboding sense of disappointment that never goes away.

People die all the time. It's just that you're not around.

Dear girl seductively sucking a lollipop in her pics. We get it. It's a cock. A yummy peen. Too nail on the head.

I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry actually....[walks off camera]

You might be a redneck if people hear your car long before they see it.

If Harry Potter's so magical, why can’t he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldn't need a broomstick to cling onto.

I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.

It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it: The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.

I have a beard. Just not on my face...

Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.

Never try and go on a solo mission on your own.

Amazon has included me in an opportunity to provide top-shelf television-style programming live on the world's computer screens. To hold forth with the industry's very best actors, directors, musicians, authors - I'm thrilled to be on the cutting edge of this.