Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 852
After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.
After a while, you just kind of chill. It just becomes a whole different lifestyle and no one bothers you.
I get some acting jobs. I like it other than the constant slipping in and out of character.
For thirty years my act consisted of one joke... and then she died.
When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool.
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo.
It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it: The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.
Burt Reynolds, great sex symbol of the movies, who said, "I owe it all to one great part." Never got a dinner!
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'
You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.
Marriage is just an elaborate game that allows two selfish people to periodically feel that they're not.