Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 852
I was dating a woman for a while. We had out first little sex talk. She actually said this to me. She said, “Todd, I’ve had anal sex before but don’t ask me who it was with.” I think if I made a list of every question I’d ask before that one, it would be a list of every question. Including “Who shot J.R.?”, “Where’s the beef?” and “Why would you think I’d want to know that?” OK, maybe not “Where’s the beef?” Because she might answer that one.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. They won after France’s best player got ejected for head butting. That’s the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years
For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful - the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards - going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable.
I think everyone probably starts out sounding like someone else, but gradually you develop your own sound.
Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't that a horse?
Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "arararar", and occasionally, they stop and go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm, no I'm a fucking squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "Fucking nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit.”
I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry actually....[walks off camera]
A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, "Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done."
Way back in the day, like in the 1990s, if you wanted to tell everyone you ate waffles for breakfast, you couldn’t just go on the internet and tweet it out. There was only one way to do it. You had to go outside and scream at the top of your lungs, 'I ate waffles for breakfast!' That’s why so many people ended up in institutions. They seemed crazy, but when you think about it, they were just ahead of their time.
Judah Friedlander, I’m ok with you being the world champion for a few years more. That’s a hook with legs. But I think he should make one more hat, that says ‘there’s a limit to how funny words on a hat can be’. And then move to a chapeau.
Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele -- should be fun -- and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.
My life’s pretty easy, which is never good for comedy. I have a great relationship, a nice little house, a couple of dogs and cats and nice friends - there’s no jokes in that. I should fuck things up just for a business move.
We have archeology on television, and I quite like it; it’s a sort of detective thing, but it’s really true, you know it’s there… But it’s kind of slow on telly, it has this problem of, “We’ve been here three weeks on live television, and we’ve taken off about a millimeter of top soil so far…” There’s men with brushes and beards… maybe they’ve just got beards, I’m not sure… “We found this and carbon-dated it to last Tuesday, so we’re very excited…”