Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 852

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are "geographically undesirable."

It's okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people.

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

I also like a great Caesar salad with anchovies, although I don't know why some places say 'with anchovies.' If you're making a proper Caesar salad, it's going to have anchovies.

I love to talk about people I've met being an entertainer. All my encounters in life - I roll it all into an hour and 30 minutes.

My friends who have babies can’t do anything. Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

The best comedy, I feel, comes in a drama because it balances each other out.

I'm the luckiest unlucky person.

In perpetrating a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and someone to actually show up and do the revolting. Dress is usually casual and both parties may be flexible about time and place, but if either faction fails to attend, the whole enterprise is likely to come off badly.

I went through every phone book in Africa, and I didn't find one goddamned Pryor!

Dick Cheney and Karl Rove, once two of the most powerful men in this country, are now suffering from Balzheimer's disease. Why didn't I see it before? Balzheimer's is a terrible illness that attacks the memory and gives its victims the balls to attack others for things they themselves made a career of. There is no known cure.

Smack your child every day. If you don't know why - he does.