Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 879
I'm not on a diet. And it’s funny cause people go ‘Well, then why do you drink diet soda?’ So I can eat regular cake.
My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.
When the show's in production, we work for three weeks at a time and then take a week off.
If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.
Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.
For months there have been rumors that J.Lo is finally pregnant with Marc Anthony’s baby. She was afraid it might never happen. I’m afraid it’s going to look like Marc Anthony...
I was always the "Class Clown" and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
A Libyan rebel has admitted to killing Moammar Gadhafi. He said he shot Gadhafi twice in the temple, to which Michele Bachmann said, "I didn't even know the guy was Jewish."
I went through every phone book in Africa, and I didn't find one goddamned Pryor!
You know, before I would think, my cab driver hates me. Now I think my limo driver hates me.
Congratulations to whoever is finally booking music we love. It's going to get us out of the house after dark!