Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 879

Nevada's one of the most conservative states in the Union, but you can do what you want in Vegas and nobody judges you.

I'm a selfish, little pig of a man.

There's a game called Checkout where there's grocery items and it's how much you think the manufacturer's suggested retail price is and we add up your total, then your total has to be within $2 of the regular total. I don't think I could ever win that game.

You have to take the basics of feminism and the kind of outline of it and do what you do with it. You have to make things work for your own life.

I do what I do because I love it.

You’re always allowed to be better.

It’s so stupid the shit we’re proud of. You know how you got to be who you are? Your parents fucked. There’s nothing to be proud of. You father wanted a blowjob that night. How’s that feel? You’re just a blowjob that got out of hand.

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

You have a three year foundation for your... your... intimacy.

I love devastating movies, documentaries and hummingbirds (yes, in that order).

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.

Because sometimes ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX NEWS, MSNBC, CNN, HEADLINE NEWS, CSPAN, and CSPAN 2 just aren't enough.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.