Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 879

You might be a redneck if you watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.

I don't miss the economic insecurity, the living paycheck to paycheck.

Met a girl the other nite and told her- Before you can be with someone you have to know the value of yourself. So does $200 seem reasonable?

By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!

I always forced myself to do crazy things in public. In college I would push an overhead projector across campus with my pants just low enough to show my butt.

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

Don’t clap I’m not a jazz band for Christ’s sake.

Nevada's one of the most conservative states in the Union, but you can do what you want in Vegas and nobody judges you.

I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats".

Apparently, there's something hinky about the new iPhones. They're not hooked up right. There's a problem with the antenna. They don't like to be held - like my ex-wife.

The monkey on my back is me.

I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.