Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 880
Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!
I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.
I'm TV's Craig Ferguson, please sit down relax and: "take off your pants"; "dip your hand into a bowl of warm water and fall fast asleep"; etc.
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her, she says "Tut, Tut!"
Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universe's way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast. Listen to the music. Whoa whoa, listen to the music. Because music makes the people come together, it makes the bourgeois and the rebel. So come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody try to love one another. Because what the world needs now is love, sweet love. And I know that love is a battlefield, but boogie on reggae woman because you're gonna make it after all. So celebrate good times, come on. I've gotta stop I've gotta come to my senses, I've been out riding fences for so long... oops I did it again... um... What I'm trying to say is, if you leave tonight and you don't remember anything else that I've said, leave here and remember this: Procrastinate now, don't put it off.
Someone told me that carrots are good for your eyes. What they failed to tell me is that you have to take them orally.
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.
There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."
True beauty is not related to what color your hair is or what color your eyes are. True beauty is about who you are as a human being, your principles, your moral compass.