Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 880
I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president...' and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'
I think it's easier for African American and white comics to be praised than it is Latinos because they think our culture or our humor is substandard. I mean, I just don't think they want to give us credit. I just don't think that they see us as important enough to be at their level. I'm the longest-produced comedy at Warner Bros. and I don't feel special. They come over and say hello. But everybody's gonna make a lot of money and I don't feel like I'm special to them.
Today is both the most romantic day of the year and the busiest day of the year for the suicide hotline.
Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.
You know, I live a monastic lifestyle. No, I do. I do live in extremes, basically. I go back and forth. Once every six months, I'll have a day where I eat more chocolate than has ever been consumed by a human being.
I don’t drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.
I was at a party and this guys was hitting on me. But he was hitting on me with the most boring questions. One of them was “If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?” <br /> And I was like, “Anywhere?”<br /> And he was like, “Anywhere.”<br /> And I was like, “To the other side of the room… Now please get out of the way of a woman and her dream.”
TV family sitcoms have always been about fathers who know best and mothers who are so enchanted with everything they do. I wanted to be the first mom to be a mom on TV. I wanted to sent out a message about how us women really feel.
Anyone who has faith in humanity is probably an uneducated extraterrestrial.
The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.