Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 880

When it comes down to it, we're really just a big ant farm with beepers.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.

We need porno for guys like me. $2.99, I don’t need the whole $12.99. Hell, I never get to the second scene. It’s always better. “Oh shit! I should of waited. She’s got bigger titties. Shit! There’s twins!”

Most people are not particularly good at anything.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the fuck is the ceiling.

“It must be cool having a dad who’s a comedian,” I overheard a friend say. “No,” came my son’s reply. “He’s a knob.”

Hecklers need to be dealt with. Then walk away and do your shit.

Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

In America, with all of its evils and faults, you can still reach through the forest and see the sun. But we don't know yet whether that sun is rising or setting for our country.

I went to a bunch of marches in New York and Washington, and you know I believe in the cause, but to march with those people takes a lot of compromise on my end.

I never thought that intolerance would be patriotic.

Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office... You mean the one on the sofa?

It's not about trying to be funny all the time. It's more of a document that hopefully is funny.

I've moved about 10 times over the past 15 years. I don't move for the sole purpose of getting rid of stuff. I'm not crazy. I also move so that I never have to wash any windows.