Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 948

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

Apparently there is no profit in the unique, or not enough to make it worthwhile to preserve. Ultimately it drains the life out of us, and existentialism starts to make more and more sense.

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

I honestly can't remember the last time I hit myself in the head with a hammer.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

The only person I can barely compromise with is myself.

He's not stupid ... he's not a retarded man ... he just doesn't give a shit about you, or anything.

The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.

We've made pretty good progress. We're the type of offense where when we need to score in crucial situations, we're going to put points on the board.

You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead!

I don't get along with anything, I really don't. I'm just - I'm, I'm, maybe I'm just a, you know, incredibly tasteful human being.

I do like men and I had, you know, a guy in high school that I wanted to marry desperately. He's the mayor of some small town in Texas. I could be the mayor's wife right now.

It is our swan song, and winning kind of symbolizes the closure at the end, and I miss it already. I'm gonna go bawl now.

When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.'