Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 949

When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me.

We got everythin' we need here. We got Baileys, creamy, and, um... everythin' good. I'll get ya another Baileys

Paul Riser tells it in an interesting way; he dissects it and tells the structure, you know, 'you don't mention that part here.' But that's what's interesting about it and the people who are absent are interesting too.

Did I miss a fucking meeting with the coffee? You can get every other flavor except COFFEE FLAVORED COFFEE! They got mochaccino, they've got chococcino, frapaccino, capaccino, rapaccino, Al Pacino, WHAT THE FUCK! www.whattheFUCK.com!!

In 1998, in Laramie, Wyoming, two guys beat up Matthew Shepard and left him on the side of the road hanging on the fence to die. They killed him, because Matthew Shepard was gay. They killed him, because Matthew Shepard was gay? They killed him.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

It's common courtesy; he's doing most of the work; you've got to encourage him.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Thats great applaude to another man having sex with my girlfriend.

I had to move in with my girlfriend... It was very successful and we lived very happily in domestic bliss and harmony... for 13 days.

I look at anything in nature and how things work-the stars, the pyramids-and I can't imagine that there's not some kind of design to it all. There's got to be something big that we don't understand. I do believe in Jesus. I believe in being good to one another. Life is about spending our time here contributing and not taking away. That's my faith.

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

You might be a redneck if you've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

Timing is everything. That’s a cliche. Now. If I’d said that a long time ago, I’d have been original.