Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 949
Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.
As a child my parents said they believed in Santa Claus but that I didn't exist.
Despite a lack of natural ability, I did have the one element necessary to all early creativity: naïveté, that fabulous quality that keeps you from knowing just how unsuited you are for what you are about to do.
The claim that somehow raw foods give you better energy, are more healthful, improve your immune system and all of that is simply not substantiated. And moreover, it's not biologically plausible.
But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
At one time, Washington actually meant something. But now, it's about as relevant as Bob Dylan's tuning fork.
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
I like to do things for my wife on Valentine’s Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn't have a boyfriend. She said, "I'm keeping my options open." And by options, she meant legs.
When I'm working, I'm going to avoid all media. No newspapers, no magazines, no movies, no radio, no TV. I'm just going to do creative work.
I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.