Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1024
Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?
Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?
A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?
Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
The Marines gave me a really strong sense of discipline and a work ethic that kicks in at my job.
In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.
Once you've been an astronaut and you've gone on a mission, doesn't the rest of your life just add up to one big disappointment after another? What are their daily lives like? ‘Golly gee, I caught a fish! Ha ha! This reminds me of that time I walked on the fucking moon!’
Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.
Bing Crosby and I weren't the types to go around kissing each other. We always had a light jab for each other. One of our stock lines used to be "There's nothing I wouldn't do for Bing, and there's nothing he wouldn't do for me. And that's the way we go through life - doing nothing for each other!