Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1024
The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
If you don't do any self-examinations or see a doctor ever, you'll live forever. That's how you do it. The diagnosis is what gets you. You just have a don't ask, don't tell policy with any and all bodily functions.
We've had to get a live-in nanny, 'cos that dead one wasn't working out.
I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.
The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to.
Whenever I've encountered a Christian saying, 'Why don't you stop talking like that so I can hear you?' I think, 'Well you're the one putting the earmuffs on, but I wish you could hear me because I like you.'
It's the inevitable consummation of this largely manufactured battle between a man who makes people laugh for a living and whatever people think I do. In a televised, two-part hatefuck that is, by all measure, bound to dissapoint anyone that's been following it. Catch the fever!
As I stand in line at southwest I feel the urge to moo really loud or scream.
On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.