Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1024

At one point he decided enough was enough.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

My Jihad energy drink isn’t going to go. Ramadan noodles, not going to go. My Islamic version of the 3 Stooges, with Mohammed and whatever would be the Islamic version of Larry and Curly...

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.

Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.

There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says "We've got a family members of yours under arrest" and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those... And they are all my Mom!

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

The views expressed by me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact me.

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

I would do a scene with a little kid and they’d turn to me afterwards and say, "I love you Eddie Murphy". That’s a new thing for me, to have a co-star in a scene turn to me and tell me they love me. In "48 Hours" Nick Nolte never turned to me and said "I love you Ed”.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

It's totally free. It is the complete freedom of performance. The first time the monologue is performed is when you see it on TV, and it'll never be seen again. It's pure TV. Bam! It's there, and then it's gone.