Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1024
People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin."
I want to be the greatest actor that ever lived, frankly. I'd love that. But I don't need to be. I just want to be here. That's it.
They always have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like under-achievers.
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
"I can't believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it?"<br /> [pause]<br /> The baby starts to come down...and once that happens you can't-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that's how I did it.
If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.
I'm like President Ford: I can't do two things at once. I can't have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.
"Do you know what it is sir? Do you know what the Dance Dance Revolution is? It's not an actual revolution, so you don't have to worry about that. It's not like a bunch of Asians are going to knock on your door 'Hey! Start dancing!'"
Did you hear what he said before he was elected? He goes, 'I'm going to go through the national budget, line by line, and I'm going to cut out everything we don't need.' Did you see the inauguration? They flew out his high school marching band from Hawaii. Maybe it's me, but shouldn't 30 Hawaiian tuba players be somewhere near the top of the 'Shit We Don't Need' column in the national budget?
One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.