Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1025

(In response to ‘Things You’re Unlikely to Hear on a Quiz Show’) “Look at what you could have won, if you went to school.”

You think I'm overdressed? This is just my slip.

If I could go back to any decade it wouldn’t be the 80s, it would be the 70s. See we didn’t have all those computer games in the 70s, we had real games. Do you remember mouse trap? (audience cheers). Yeah, we didn’t have that...

You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

The only thing I'm really suited for is the musical version of Congo.

I get happier every day. I have a sense of accomplishment every day of my life.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

The only pitch I have to movie people is the same as this one: Just give me $8 million. I'm not telling you what it's about and I'm not telling you who's in it.

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire...'

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.