Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1025

I have no money. I don’t even have a savings account cause I don’t know my mother’s maiden name and apparently that’s the key to whole thing.

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

I actually like talking.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I’m not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I’ve done my job.

You might be a redneck if you have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

Here's what the right-wing has in, there's no shortage of the natural resources of ignorance, apathy, hate, fear. As long as those things are in the collective conscious and unconscious, the Republicans will have some votes.

I’ll do anything for my wife, it’s turning out.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.

Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they'll be able to address the viewers by name.