Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1025

You know, I think you're a very special unit.

I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.

I'm like oysters; a few people claim they're a delicacy, but most people find the idea of putting one in their mouth disgusting.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?

Patriarchy is impotent and qualitatively unable to solve even the most simple problems in the cosmos such as picking up their own socks or placing a carton of milk back in the refrigerator after drinking from it.

Tittie bars got weird morality. One time I walked into a tittie bar - all these guys coming in, right? Out of these dudes, the bouncer picked me out of the crowd and started yelling at me. “Hey Buddy! Sir! Sir! You wanna take your hat off? It’s disrespectful to the ladies.” Yeah, I can shove a twenty up her ass but I better not have a hat on when I do it.

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets.

Have you guys flown since 11-9? I’m European.

Sex is scary cause you can die but worse than that, you could feel.

We use similar products. Our focus industry is healthcare and hospitality. But we haven?t done anything interactive. The first day full of seminars (at the show) is full of things I thought would be useful: quick service restaurant and mobile phone applications. Businesses are providing more services and products by self-service means.

My pilot's license. I'm proud of that.

TLC should stand for Toddlers, Lunatics, and Cake.

A lot of people in their 30's get nostalgic for their teen years. Then they get jobs in TV, become bitter and jaded and prematurely old. Then they turn their nostalgia into great television.