Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1025

Don't worry, as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.

Yeah, apparently chasing a bus uses different muscles than sitting and eating.

When you're accustomed to doing stand-up, so often you're the only person onstage and it's all your thing. It's very gladiatorial. Obviously, when you're in a scene with somebody, you're supposed to listen and react - and that's a bit of a transition.

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.

“How do you know he wasn’t being sincere, Arj?”

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

If your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat, you might be a redneck.

Yes, okay, it’s cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That’s cool when it’s on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you’re left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn’t have a job… Sweet, that’s a catch.

You know, I think you're a very special unit.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I've been doing that all my life.

I’m not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

My ideal groupie would be quite emotionally distant…

Did you hear this – Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan and she’s demanding that we invade Tsunami. I mean she said, "These Tsunamians will not get away with this". Oh speaking of dumb twats, did you...