Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1042

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

Donald Glover staying hotter than some rifle spit

If security guards aren’t allowed to carry guns, I don’t have to obey their made up rules.

Zsa Zsa Gabor, the only woman ever to apply for group alimony. Never got a dinner!

[Unlikely lines from a superhero movie] Just call the police.

It's easier to cancel a show if it's expensive.

You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis.

I'd like to die like my father died... My father died fucking. My father was 57 when he died. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.

The planets. Now footnote, I’m including Pluto in the planets, because I think it’s terrible what they did to Pluto. And it’s still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.

My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

I think before giving me a credit card, they should have given me a math test. A series of story problems. “If Maria’s boyfriend is in a folk band but he only smokes pot every other day, what percentage of the rent will he be able to contribute?” Now I thought 50%. But the answer is zero.