Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1042

I realized women and humor were linked very closely.

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.

Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.

I just unfollowed myself. Why follow an idiot.

I think; therefore I worry.

You can't get un-famous. You can get infamous, but you can't get un-famous.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Fall is my favourite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change colour and fall from the trees.

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

Noah’s wife, who said to him after 40 days and 40 nights, "It’s your turn to spread the papers on the floor!" Never got a dinner!

But I just think I was lucky enough to figure out early on that I wanted to do comedy, so that's what I put all my effort into.

My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.