Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1042
I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.
You can't get un-famous. You can get infamous, but you can't get un-famous.
Ladies, I will go to dance clubs and I will tear it up hard core… for a good thirty seconds. When I go to dance clubs, I always dance with big girls. So we finish at the same time.
I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"
A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.
Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.
She was an egomaniac. We would make love. She went, 'I only want to make love on my good side.' She would have an orgasm and say, 'I love me.'
Fall is my favourite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change colour and fall from the trees.
Having my daughter I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.
I don’t think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.
Do women who have plastic surgery want to look like that girl from The Muppet Show, or does it just come out that way?
I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'
Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.
How far would you go for someone you love ? Well, when my grandkids ask me how I pledged my love to their grandma, I'll say, I told her I would die for her, after I found out I didn't have an incurable disease. Then, I ran away while grandma was getting her ass kicked by a pregnant woman that grandpa slept with. You never know when you're making a memory.