Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 120

Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.

Some people think I'm high on stage. I would never get high before a show, because when I'm high, I don't wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you're high, and a joke doesn't work, it's extra scary. It's like,"Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?"

Never fry bacon when you're naked.

I always thought music was more important than sex - then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.

The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.

I went to my doctor and told him, "My penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."

Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?

The beginning of my sin, if you will, was thinking that it was all a mistake and that I absolutely didn't deserve any of it. I'll tell you, bringing down my own creation that way was as grandiose a way of playing God as you could imagine.

Showbiz is great if you're successful.

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.

If I see an Asian person and I’m like: “Where you from?” and they’re like “Connecticut”. I’m like, “You know what I’m talking about".

The worst television is MTV. 'Music Television' - they call it that, they don't even play music. How's that legal? What if everybody did that? 'Hey, thanks for calling New York Pizza.' 'Yeah, give me two large pepperoni pizzas.' 'Oh, we don't sell pizza.' 'What?' 'No, we just have raccoon hats and eye patches. Call a book store if you're hungry.'

Politics move, as fast as Twitter, and for everyone to think that in four years America was going to be perfect is ridiculous.

I’m a black, gay woman. I think the only way to make the GOP hate me more is if I sent them a video of me rolling around on a pile of welfare checks.