Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 120
The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!
Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.
Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?"
I’m twelve years old. I run into a synagogue. I ask the rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life but he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don’t understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons.
My fitness goals are different than most peoples. Most people want to lose enough weight so they look good in a bathing suit or they want to lower their cholesterol. I just want to lose enough so my stomach doesn't jiggle when I brush my teeth.
Look, I made a commitment to corn 17 years ago. Sure, I'm a man. I like to go to a barbecue and see beans that I like: baked beans, red beans, black beans, big plump garbanzos. But in the end, I always come home to my sweet, sweet corn.
My wife is a saint. She’s Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won’t eat.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.
As life's pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that's better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
The early bird gathers no moss! The rolling stone catches the worm.
For some reason and I don't know why, but I don't think that I'm funny in California. So I always want to do my movies east somewhere.