Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 120
There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.
She's stirring the Yankee Bean Soup – which will cause many absences in the afternoon. It's government surplus, stuff that India rejected, and sent back. Powdered eggs, khaki fish – forget it.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. I'd be like, "Hey, so I guess I'll see you later," and he's, like, "Whatever, queer". That's a hate crime!
A lot of my friends, when girls break up with them, they get all bitter and vengeful and take it out on the girl. They, like, call her at four o'clock in the morning, going, 'Bitch.' Like she doesn't know who it is? Yeah, for a second, she's like, 'Grandpa?'
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
How's my mama? How's your mama? I will slap you in the mouth with my dick.
If you watch porn while listening to banjo music, everyone on screen seems related.
I don’t litter. I don’t throw garbage in the street. Not because I care about the Earth. But I’m afraid I’m going to be walking through the park drinking a soda and when I’m done, I just throw it over my shoulder, it’ll fly over a bush and land on some dead white woman’s head with my fingerprints on the can. Now I’m the Pepsi-Cola Rapist because I’m lazy.
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.
My fitness goals are different than most peoples. Most people want to lose enough weight so they look good in a bathing suit or they want to lower their cholesterol. I just want to lose enough so my stomach doesn't jiggle when I brush my teeth.
Sometimes it’s more noble to tell a small lie than to deliver a painful truth.