Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 120
If you believe there is a God, a God that made your body, and yet you think that you can do anything with that body that's dirty, then the fault lies with the manufacturer.
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If you watch porn while listening to banjo music, everyone on screen seems related.
I can’t keep referring to basketball players as Khloe Kardashian’s husband and his friends.
She's stirring the Yankee Bean Soup – which will cause many absences in the afternoon. It's government surplus, stuff that India rejected, and sent back. Powdered eggs, khaki fish – forget it.
They're putting the cart before the horse on this pornography issue. Playboy doesn't cause sexual thoughts. There are sexual thoughts, and, therefore, there is Playboy. Don't you see? I know these sound like deep philosophical questions, "What came first, the hard-on or the Madonna video?" and "If a hard-on falls in the forest, do you go blind?" and "What does an atheist scream when they come?"
There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.
It's our nature: Human beings like success but they hate successful people.
Can you imagine if you had a pair of shoes that you could only walk in? That could be kind of limiting under certain circumstances. 'Everybody get outta here! There's a swarm of bees coming!' What? Oh great, I got my walking shoes on today. I guess I better stroll the hell out of here at a moderate pace.
For some reason and I don't know why, but I don't think that I'm funny in California. So I always want to do my movies east somewhere.
A lot of my friends, when girls break up with them, they get all bitter and vengeful and take it out on the girl. They, like, call her at four o'clock in the morning, going, 'Bitch.' Like she doesn't know who it is? Yeah, for a second, she's like, 'Grandpa?'
If you vote against Obama because he can't get stuff done, it’s kind of like saying 'This guy can’t cure cancer. I’m gonna vote for cancer.'
And there’s others like taxidermist! You can’t just go, “Oh, I was just working at the chip shop, and I just started stuffing animals with sand,” you know? You’ve gotta want to be! “I want to be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. I wanna get more sand into an animal than anybody has ever bloody got in one. I wanna fill a rat with the entire Gobi Desert, so it’s really quite tight.”