Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 120
The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.
They're putting the cart before the horse on this pornography issue. Playboy doesn't cause sexual thoughts. There are sexual thoughts, and, therefore, there is Playboy. Don't you see? I know these sound like deep philosophical questions, "What came first, the hard-on or the Madonna video?" and "If a hard-on falls in the forest, do you go blind?" and "What does an atheist scream when they come?"
Every time the Russians throw an American in jail, the Committee throws an American in jail to get even.
As life's pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that's better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
For some reason and I don't know why, but I don't think that I'm funny in California. So I always want to do my movies east somewhere.
It's our nature: Human beings like success but they hate successful people.
My wife is a saint. She’s Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won’t eat.
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
You can’t go to the bathroom alone… you might not come back. Cause no girl’s ever been to the bathroom alone and survived. It’s true. The last woman that attempted it, it was 1937 and her name was Amelia Earhart.
She's stirring the Yankee Bean Soup – which will cause many absences in the afternoon. It's government surplus, stuff that India rejected, and sent back. Powdered eggs, khaki fish – forget it.
It's in the Ten Commandments to not take the Lord's name in vain. Rape isn't up there, by the way. Rape is not a Ten Commandment. But don't say the dude's name with a shitty attitude.
Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.