Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 234

Make-believe cowboys. Closest they've ever gotten to a cow is when they stopped to take a piss at an Arby's.

"I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'"

All I'll say about Elian is thank God he's Cuban. 'Cause if he was Haitian you'd've never heard about his ass. If Elian Gonzales was Elian Mumumbo from Haiti, they would've pushed that little rubber tube right back in the water. "Sorry little fella, all full. Good luck!"

Wise men say, only fools rush in. Wise men are so slow.

My bank is the worst. They are screwing me. You know what they did to me? They're charging me money for not having enough money. Apparently, when you're broke, that costs money.

Kids will spend $500 on sneakers but won`t spend $200 on "Hooked-on-Phonics".

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.

I had done the sitcom thing to lesser and lesser degrees of success.

I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say ‘Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.’

I, myself, identify myself as a heathen.

"You told your mother I was gonna blow you up with a fucking pumpkin bomb? What did she say?" "She. Was. Terrified. She wants me to move home."

The blessing is that everyone knows who I am because of the commercials.

New white people, you can't scare these white people, I tried.

Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid.

A lot of directors, they're creative, but they're different.