Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 234
I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli. Sold number 3 for 28 bucks.
My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.
Sometimes whiskey dick is a good thing, like last night fucking the left eye of a pumpkin sounded like a good idea... thank you whiskey dick thank you!
I’m not even worried about settling down. I think it’s way too early. I’m 25 and I’m in show business. I mean, if things go well, my wife hasn’t even been born yet.
I've always loved boxing. It's something I've always been extremely excited about.
I couldn't wait to be, you know, a Black Panther. Of course they wouldn't let me join.
Relationships are hard, man. For order, for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page, both people have to have the same focus, and we all know what that page is. We all know what that focus is. In order for the relationship to work both people have to have the same focus, and what's that focus? That focus is all about her! It's all about her!
I’m smart cause I’m Korean, I’m not so smart cause I’m from the south. They cancel each other out, so I’m even.
My real name is Scott Thompson. I could have gone by that name, but when I started doing comedy I thought I needed to go by something that has a little more of a hook.
Let’s not pretend that anyone in here likes Nebraska. Have you ever wondered why theres storm chasers? An hour in Omaha and I’m looking for a tornado to take me any place. Get me the hell out of there, uh, no wonder there all fat it’s so they’ll stay on the ground.
What is dirty? And what is clean? Now, if I had to make a choice, man, I would rather my kid watch a stag movie than a clean movie like King of Kings. Why? Because King of Kings is full of killing and I don't want my kid to kill Christ when he comes back.
There was a period where our child's birth was getting really close, and we still had nothing. We were dangerously close to calling him Untitled Baby Project.
White person write you a check, you can take it to the bank in the morning. Brother write you a check, he's gonna postdate it next Friday, look you straight in the eye and say, 'If you go in there Thursday, the money won't be there.'