Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 234

The blessing is that everyone knows who I am because of the commercials.

I was living under a desk in West Hollywood. It was a closet that I shared with another comic. I was shocked when they called me to come in to try out for the show. The chances of me getting on a TV show and winning it is like one-in-a-million. I had only been doing comedy for six years at that point, so I was basically considered an open mic-er or maybe a feature act once in awhile.

I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more.

If I saw myself dressed like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.

In four days, I experienced five seasons. It was thirty, it was sixty, it was ninety, then it was twelve! And on the last day, there was thunder, lightning, and snow - together! And I hadn't done drugs.

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.

White people don't forget shit. 'Cause the next brother Johnny Cochran would have represented would have got all O.J.'s time. "Double life? For speeding? You bullshittin'!"

The kick of comedy is to think quickly. It's a great kick.

I once called my mother during a hurricane. She got on the phone and said, "I can't talk to you, Joey, the lines are down."

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

I'm gonna tell you right now - somebody walked in here and told me I just won the lottery, I will walk out in the middle of this joke.

This is Grand Theft Auto 3. The object of this game, who cares? I'm too busy randomly hitting an old lady with a bat, carjacking a station wagon and running over people, or, my personal favorite, running over the person whose car I just stole, with the car I just stole! Now, this is a video game! Rescuing the princess is for pussies!

A kiss is not a contract, but its very nice. Just because you've been exploring my mouth doesn't mean you get to take an expedition for the south.

Stop waiting on a nigga to verify wether you the shit or not. Bitch if you the shit, You the Motherfucking Shit!

There's nothing wrong with trying to reach out to new fans.