Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 234
Growing up, I loved Bill Cosby and Bob Newhart. They are a big reason I’m a storyteller because they are two of the best.
We get up early Sunday morning, and we have cereal and orange juice and we make crank calls.
I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?
My bank is the worst. They are screwing me. You know what they did to me? They're charging me money for not having enough money. Apparently, when you're broke, that costs money.
The blessing is that everyone knows who I am because of the commercials.
I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.
My whole life is a practical joke. Every evening and every show has really become about entertaining me. I was always like that. And now I've come full circle because that's what the TV show is too.
I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.
Women don’t have dicks and they don’t want dicks. That amateur psychology crap that women want penises. And they certainly don’t want testicles. Because you know no women in her right mind is going to carry around a bag that she can’t put stuff in.
I could never live with you; not 'cause I'm racist or nothing. It's just 'cause as a black man in America, I need to have someone I can come home and complain about white people to. And that just don't work with my white wife.
People don't let politicians kiss your babies. Those lips have been on lobbyist asses for years now.
Love. It's God's greatest gift. He fills our world with it and makes sure we grow up with caring, supportive parents. I'm just kidding. Pain is God's greatest gift. Pain is God's way of saying, "Hurts, don't it ? Well, go ahead. Say, me dammit again."
My son developed this really bad habit. He would come to my side of the bed and he’d get that close to my face. And just stare at me. You ever get that feeling when you know you’re being watched? He’s be like: “Dad… Dad… Da-” “What? What? What?” He starts crying. My wife goes, “You scared him!” I’m like, “Hell, he scared me! Jesus, put a bell round his neck!”
When Mrs. Clinton ran for office, she promised economic growth across New York state, to bring in more than 200,000 jobs, ... She has not. We have lost jobs to outsourcing and globalization and to sending our jobs and industries to foreign countries.