Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 234

My mother never saw the irony of calling me a son of a bitch.

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.

Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.

The blessing is that everyone knows who I am because of the commercials.

After 34 years, I feel like I did when I was starting out. I feel excited and feel I've never been better doing what I do.

Tiger Woods is a billionaire. Do you know how much ass you can get with a billion dollars? I know guys with $20 and a pack of Newports who'd try to screw your whole neighborhood.

As much as Metallica rocked, they always had these song names... ‘The Thing That Shouldn’t Be’. ‘The Chair That Wasn’t There’, you know?

I've always loved boxing. It's something I've always been extremely excited about.

Honesty buys you nothing at all in this school.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.

Where else but in America can a poor black man like Michael Jackson grow up to be a rich white woman?

Dr. Phil was very helpful and caring. I believe he helped all of us there and watching how to better relate, understand, and communicate with our families and loved ones. Dr. Phil recommended reading my new book.

Full House was a show that was done for ten-year-olds. The critics hated it. They said terrible, terrible things about it. But it should have been reviewed by ten-year-olds. That's who it was made for. They loved it. And if they loved it, great. Why the hell does a fifty-year-old guy working at a big newspaper have to tell me I'm a piece of crap?

A lot of directors, they're creative, but they're different.