Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 233
My bank is the worst. They are screwing me. You know what they did to me? They're charging me money for not having enough money. Apparently, when you're broke, that costs money.
People always want to put a label on you; they always want to compare you to something.
On the weekends, I would go down and play these clubs in Key West or West Palm Beach or surrounding areas of Florida and then I'd go back to school for the week.
I've known Chevy Chase for so long, I actually knew him when he was funny!
College is great. It’s the only time in life where you can write a check for 39 cents... and bounce it.
If you want to drink, have a drink... if you want to drive, then drive... there's nothing worse than having a smash sober...
The vagina is its own little person. It gets haircuts from time to time, sometimes it has its own lawyer. Everything affects it: kittens, balloon rides, Dave Matthews in concert. What affects the penis? Whiskey and pepper spray, that's it.
Why do you believe it and what's your motivation for believing in it? I don't even believe in the shit I say for a full 24 hours. I would love to have a consistent viewpoint of my own. It would be nice to have that solid, stiff head that said, 'Well, I'm a Democrat and that's because I believe, and my parents believe, that we should have some kind of social safety net.' They don't ever look at the flaws: you get her pregnant, you marry her. That's just what you do. I'd love to have that shallow, unquestioned belief.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are.
On Jerry Springer: “You cultural sodomite. You were an aide to Bobby Kennedy, which explains your connection to Hasselhoff. I guess you like to hang around guys whose careers end on a hotel floor.”
People are basically good. We all fall. I have so much faith in humanity. That's why God created forgiveness. For those that don't deserve it. You can't spell beautiful without you.
It's all about self-esteem now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip-clubs?
Wow. That's a good question. Is "I don't know" an acceptable answer?