Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 233
Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid.
You ever hang out all night long and then you go home a little early? Then you get that call the next day? You know that call: “You shoulda hung out man!” “What happened?!” “Ohhh! 10 minutes after you left.” It’s always 10 minutes after you leave when the all fun shows up. Like the fun-mobile is a block behind ya at all times. Full of strippers, and midgets, and balloons. And every type of fun imaginable. “10 minutes after you left, the Dixie Chicks broke in and fucked everybody. Even the fat boy with asthma wearing the Babylon 5 tee-shirt got a hand job. And it’s never gonna happen again. After I heard that I started to cry; mostly cause I sat on my balls.
If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Ken Titus taped a hotel key to his underwear to score with an airport security guard.
Suicide is another thing that's so frowned upon in this society, but honestly, life isn't for everybody. It really isn't. It's sad when kids kill themselves 'cause they didn't really give it a chance, but life is like a movie: if you've sat through more than half of it and it sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the very end for you and make it all worthwhile. No one should blame you for walking out early. Dont get any ideas....
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.
The worst person is the person that resists change. You could be that angry older guy who can be mad about it or you can embrace it. Anytime you try something different, people are going to be like, ‘That’s not how it used to be.’ It was. Guess what? That’s how it is. You have to adapt to it. You can’t be mad.
I don't say, "Bless you." I say, "God bless you," because I'm not the Lord.
On Jerry Springer: “You cultural sodomite. You were an aide to Bobby Kennedy, which explains your connection to Hasselhoff. I guess you like to hang around guys whose careers end on a hotel floor.”
A Scouser went to a prostitute. She said, ‘Do you want a blow job?’ He said, ‘Will it affect me dole money?’
Jews and Blacks come from the same history - 2,000 years of bullshit. We just expressed our suffering differently as people. Blacks developed the blues. Jews complain, we just never thought of putting it to music.
And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.