Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 233

"I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'"

Those are adult magazines. Anybody can own them. It doesn't prove the charge.

I’m not even worried about settling down. I think it’s way too early. I’m 25 and I’m in show business. I mean, if things go well, my wife hasn’t even been born yet.

A lot of directors, they're creative, but they're different.

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have no idea what they're saying.

Make-believe cowboys. Closest they've ever gotten to a cow is when they stopped to take a piss at an Arby's.

Maybe it's instinctual to be monogamous; but if you know you are going to fuck her sister, maybe you should not be monogamous right yet.

I can't relate to the idea of suicide. I guess I'm just one of those people that is always optimistic and upbeat. But one day, I sat down. I said 'You know what? Just to kind of purge myself, I want to see what its like to feel that low'. So I decided to write a suicide note. Yeah, just to kinda flush it out there and put it on a page. And I started to do this, and I had an epiphany. I'll share this with you: a suicide note that is written by somebody that is not suicidal is called an autobiography. I am on Chapter 58.

I think politics in general are just like a popularity contest but McCain is just… old.

What I'm saying might be profane, but it's also profound.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.

Growing up, I loved Bill Cosby and Bob Newhart. They are a big reason I’m a storyteller because they are two of the best.

I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006. Yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon spawned from Satan's anus. But for legal reasons, I have to call her, "Kate."