Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 233

Being your own man does not mean taking advantage of anyone else.

I have been in kind of a sexual dry spell lately. In the past few years I’ve only had sex in months that end in "arch"... in years that have an Olympics.

And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

What is with this campy fixation on all things Ronald Reagan? They talk about him the way gay people talk about Barbra Streisand. I think they just want him on a stamp so they can lick his ass. I think they only named an airport after him so they can say, "I'm coming into Reagan!"

My wife gets so jealous. She came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty girl on the bus she thought I would have liked.

You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood for...

The guy that designed girls' volleyball uniforms definitely never had daughters.

I was walking through the park. I had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know... I should have heard them hiding.

My father was a doctor.

Another innocent victim of my pointless rage.

Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.

Some of yall ladies is looking for an 100% good nigga, and I had a meeting with all these niggas in attendance tonight and established that there is no such a nigga. So stop looking for him. Some of yall had a 98% nigga and yall got rid of him for 2% now you siting next to a 71% nigga hoping he upgrade.

The blessing is that everyone knows who I am because of the commercials.

I like being full, every day, with stuff that I have to do.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go ‘God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They’re fast. Back to you Bob.’