Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 233
What is dirty? And what is clean? Now, if I had to make a choice, man, I would rather my kid watch a stag movie than a clean movie like King of Kings. Why? Because King of Kings is full of killing and I don't want my kid to kill Christ when he comes back.
You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.
I could never live with you; not 'cause I'm racist or nothing. It's just 'cause as a black man in America, I need to have someone I can come home and complain about white people to. And that just don't work with my white wife.
I've been to jail, but I do little stuff for little time. I go to jail for stuff like eating in the supermarket. Don't laugh - all of us do this stuff. I'm the only brother who got caught.
Suicide is another thing that's so frowned upon in this society, but honestly, life isn't for everybody. It really isn't. It's sad when kids kill themselves 'cause they didn't really give it a chance, but life is like a movie: if you've sat through more than half of it and it sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the very end for you and make it all worthwhile. No one should blame you for walking out early. Dont get any ideas....
The worst person is the person that resists change. You could be that angry older guy who can be mad about it or you can embrace it. Anytime you try something different, people are going to be like, ‘That’s not how it used to be.’ It was. Guess what? That’s how it is. You have to adapt to it. You can’t be mad.
Growing up, I loved Bill Cosby and Bob Newhart. They are a big reason I’m a storyteller because they are two of the best.
People always want to put a label on you; they always want to compare you to something.
I am completely and utterly hooked to all the great shows on A&E and Court TV that are about small town murder. These shows like "Forensic Files", "City Confidential", I just can't get enough of them. It's always the same sort of deal. You know that they interview the actual people that lived through the experience. I miss Paul Winfield as the host of "City Confidential", may he rest in peace.
I’m not even worried about settling down. I think it’s way too early. I’m 25 and I’m in show business. I mean, if things go well, my wife hasn’t even been born yet.
[on anal sex] He's, like, trying to sell me on it being "natural". I'm like, "Um, first of all - doody comes out of there, ok? And second of all - fucking doody comes out of there." I don't need two reasons when doody's involved.
Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
I've known Chevy Chase for so long, I actually knew him when he was funny!