Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 233
Wow. That's a good question. Is "I don't know" an acceptable answer?
My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper.
I must end it. There is no hope. I will be at peace. No one had anything to do with it. My decision totally.
I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?
I don’t tend to like race jokes. I don’t like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I’m both. Well, I’m not black - but if I was then I could dance better.
Growing up, I loved Bill Cosby and Bob Newhart. They are a big reason I’m a storyteller because they are two of the best.
Vietnam, we take over by doing pedicure! That's how we take over. We take over one foot at a time, damn it - that's the plan of attack right there. We take over from the toe up, that's the plan. We spread over USA like fungus from the toe.
My bank is the worst. They are screwing me. You know what they did to me? They're charging me money for not having enough money. Apparently, when you're broke, that costs money.
The blessing is that everyone knows who I am because of the commercials.
Hard work is fine if its a work of passion but just to work hard to buy shit to impress people. You're a fucking loser.
Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
Water parks provide a wonderful opportunity to meet new people and then soak in their pee.
A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex. 84 per cent of them said right after their husband is finished.
And if you want a linguistic adventure, go drinking with a Scotsman. Cause you can't fucking understand them before.