Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 253

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

You can prick your finger - just don’t finger your prick.

I love my hunting dog. I loved my hunting dog - I'm not very good at hunting.

As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to be making jokes about that. Who wants to miss out on that? If the world is going to end, I want to be there the night before, goofing off.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

Three blokes go into a pub. Well, I say three; could be four or five. Could be nine or ten, doesn't matter. Could have been fifteen, twenty - fifty. Round it up. Hundred. Let's go mad, eh - two-fifty. Tell you what, double it up - five hundred. Thousand! Oh, I've gone mad! Two thousand! Five thousand! (adopting auctioneer persona) Anyone? Five thousand, six thou, six thousand, ten thousand! Small town in Hertfordshire goes into a pub! Fifteen thousand blokes! Alright, let's go - population of Rotterdam. The Hague. Whole of Northern Holland. Mainland U.K. Let's go all the way to the top - Europe, alright? Whole of Europe goes - I say Europe. Could be Eurasia. Not the band, obviously, that's just two of them. Alright, continents - North America! Plus South America! Plus Antartica - that's just eight blokes in a weather station. Not a good example. Alright, make it a lot simpler, all the blokes on the planet go into the pub, right? And the first bloke goes up to the bar and he says "I'll get these in." What an idiot!

I don’t like thank you cards because I don’t know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? "See Front."

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.

I wanted something where I could have the clearest and most unfiltered artistic and creative voice.

So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from?

You know you're getting old when kids start to dress like you used to and movies are made about your teen life.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.

People believe that Hanukkah is celebrated for eight days, and that's a 'liar, liar, pants on fire' situation. Most Jewish families don't make it past the fourth day. It doesn't happen - 'Come on, aren't we going to light the lights?' 'Eh, no. Enough's enough.'