Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 253

Larry King's been married eight times. Eight times! Jesus, man. You've got 99 problems and bitches are all of them!

People believe that Hanukkah is celebrated for eight days, and that's a 'liar, liar, pants on fire' situation. Most Jewish families don't make it past the fourth day. It doesn't happen - 'Come on, aren't we going to light the lights?' 'Eh, no. Enough's enough.'

If we all die and there is no God, then it’s just eternal unconsciousness, you’ll never know, but if you’re wrong... you’ll know forever.

I just want to put some positive stuff out there. If it works, great. If it doesn't, no problem.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.

I had to sneak into my living room, and we had hardwood floors. Those floors suck for cheating because every step you take just taunts you. You know, every step you're like, 'Cheeeeater!' 'Liar!' 'Herpes, herpes, herpes!'

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

Osama's dead. Why is the terror alert "elevated" or "imminent"? Why not "chill"? Can't I just fly, keep my shoes on and avoid X-ray-fueled testicular cancer?

I was walking through the park. I had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know... I should have heard them hiding.

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

I don't need somebody behind a desk to tell me what a marketing survey says is funny. I got 3 million miles and 70,000 tickets sold, telling me that I know how to make people laugh.