Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 253

Oh she tripped? No, she's running. I thought she tripped but she's running. She stopped running, she did trip. You tripped!

I like people watching… Mostly this one woman.

No matter how bad things are, you can at least be happy that you woke up this morning.

When the show don't be funny, I take my dick out and piss. This is called The Garden Row.

I couldn't wait to be, you know, a Black Panther. Of course they wouldn't let me join.

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.

Is it weird that when your wife’s giving you oral sex, that you go "We're going to make a mouth baby!"

It's not called cocaine any more. It's now referred to as "Crack Classic."

When did sex become a bad thing? Did I miss a meeting?

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning... That can keep me awake for days.

My nephew killed himself masturbating but, officially, the cause of death is exhaustion.

I'm going to be talking about food, being fat, and being over 50 - all the 'F' words.

I was at the breakfast table this morning and I read in the newspaper that more and more adults are living at home with their parents. That surprised me, I was like "Mom did you read this?"

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'

White person write you a check, you can take it to the bank in the morning. Brother write you a check, he's gonna postdate it next Friday, look you straight in the eye and say, 'If you go in there Thursday, the money won't be there.'