Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 253
I could not be a fireman. If I got to a house and it was fully on fire, fuck that, I quit. I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everyone else. And the woman next to me would be like, "Please, my son, he’s screaming in there!" I’d be like, "Well, he’s probably on fire."
And my daughter's too smart. She gets it watching TV. She gets it. She's five. She gets it. I... I have a smart kid; I don't want a smart kid. I'm gonna start feedin' her lead paint chips just to bring her down.
Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"
It's really no different for me 'cause I work for bet so it's like the writers are always on strike.
Everybody really needs to laugh... If you don't laugh, you're not going to live long.
My little sister tried to run away from home once. But, just a few hours later, somebody found the body.
By the way, six A.M.? Not a real great time for me; you know, I'm a comic. I get off work at two. Six A.M., I'm a little grumpy. Six A.M., I'm a little P.O.ed. Six A.M., I'm like a vampire with a paper route.
I saw this homeless guy and this homeless girl, and they were making out! At one point, this guy walked by and yelled, "Get a box!"
I was in Mexico, and I see how these people operate. They're not stupid. Did you know that in Cabo San Lucas, there is actually a Home Depot? I swear to God. Then I went inside the Home Depot, but there was nothing inside, completely empty. It was just a fa ade. And then I looked outside, and there were Mexicans standing out front - but there was nothing inside, but they were outside. And then I realized: it's a training facility!
If you've ever thought of jumping off of a tall building, there was a guy who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. He survived, and he said this, he said "halfway down, I thought it was a bad idea."
Well, we're living in a material world, and I'm a material girl... or boy.
Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.