Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 253
I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.
I wanted something where I could have the clearest and most unfiltered artistic and creative voice.
People believe that Hanukkah is celebrated for eight days, and that's a 'liar, liar, pants on fire' situation. Most Jewish families don't make it past the fourth day. It doesn't happen - 'Come on, aren't we going to light the lights?' 'Eh, no. Enough's enough.'
Carrot Top is a nickname that people call me and I thought that it was more marketable.
James Cagney, who said to Mickey Mouse, "You dirty rat!" Never got a dinner!
This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.
They found two birds in Whitestone, Queens that were infected with the virus. Who finds these birds? I grew up in Queens. We used to find dead birds all the time. We didn't take them in for autopsies. We picked them up, and we threw them at the gay kid.
Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"
What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.
I love my hunting dog. I loved my hunting dog - I'm not very good at hunting.
Alcohol! Tastes great, I love it, you love it, we all love it. Kills motherfuckers every single day. Some of you all won't even make it home tonight 'cause of alcohol. You'll be like, "Oh, that Chris Rock sure is funny, oh! Shit!" But it's all right 'cause it's all white. Cigarettes! Cigarette's the most dangerous product known to man. Kills motherfuckers every single day. Cigarette's so dangerous it kills motherfuckers that don't smoke. That's how dangerous cigarettes are. That's right, first hand smoke, second hand smoke. People talking out of their necks into a fucking machine like, "Hey, what's up, man, I love cigarettes, this shit is cool." But it's all right 'cause it's all white. Shit, could you imagine if the Philip Morris family was a bunch of jheri-curled niggas from Mississippi? Do you know how illegal a pack of cigarettes would be? You would get sixty years just for a pack of Newports. But it's all right, 'cause it's all white.