Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 319

The fabric of society is woven together by the needle of suppression and denial.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

People will bitch about anything. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t even have to necessarily be a serious topic like religion. It could be anything and people will have a problem. I’m telling you! It could be anything.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

At my age, the only thing hot waiting for me in my dressing room is a bowl of soup.

You might be a redneck if your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

I'm screwed. My girlfriend just found my massive porno collection. DVDs, magazines and hard drives. All over at her sister's place.

Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!"

I have a disease, I'm alergic to stupid shit. now some of y'all might have that same disease. But if you have the disease, you know for a fact, that it does not start when you're an adult; It starts when you're a child. I remember as a child being allergic to stupid Shit.

If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.