Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 319

I had my back waxed once by two women... and at one point they said, "Do you mind if we take a break?"

There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice. But they couldn’t sell soy juice, so they called it soy milk. Because anytime you say soy juice, you actually start to gag… We all know there’s no soy milk? Because there’s no soy titty, is there?

What do gardeners do when they retire?

Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

Coward is the most misused word in our society.

Long Island - if you're from out of town, how would I describe it? Well, every girl in my neighborhood looked like Kenny G.

Without Brett Favre, they wouldn’t have Brett Favre, and that’s what that’s all about.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?

What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.

Most people that you talk to, they's intelligent. Like I said, "Most people."

Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears.

I was hanging out with my little nephew, and the kid - he had a helmet, shoulder pads, knee pads, some shin guards, gloves. Talk about, 'I'm a go ride my bike.' I'm like, 'Where - through a mine field?'