Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 319
Instead of uniting America, we want to separate each other because, you know, Mexicans eat tacos and white people eat beef stroganoff and black people eat chicken. 'That makes us different.' No, that makes you hungry.
A review of studies by physicians found that excessive exercise is bad for your heart. Another study says a daily serving of chocolate is actually good for your heart. That's got to make next year New Year's resolution easier to keep. "I'm going to exercise less. Eat a little more chocolate."
The fabric of society is woven together by the needle of suppression and denial.
If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! "This is a rap killing. Let's go home!"
Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.
It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It’s not so much about being a girl, it’s about being a funny comic.
It's because of men like you that women like that fuck guys like me.
If you want to reinstate the 14.4 billion dollars that Bush cut out of the veterans program then vote democrat.
Now I'm starting to jog. But every time I do jog I have 9-1 pressed into my phone, with the next '1' ready to be launched in case I drop.
You like cheese without the corners, in other words you’ll never be a slice bitch!
If your Birthday is on Christmas day and you're not Jesus, you should start telling people your birthday is on June 9 or something. Just read up on the traits of a Gemini. Suddenly you're a multitasker who loves the color yellow. Because not only do you get stuck with them combo gift, you get the combo song. "We wish you a merry Christmas - and happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas - happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Ye - Birthday, Terry!"
A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.