Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 319

It's Friday bitches! Lets get fucked up!

I have found that - just as in real life - imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience.

The other thing is that I’m a pretty moody guy, but no one really wants to see a normal-looking guy complain about things or talk about being unhappy. That’s hard. Most people are like, ‘Well, you have all your hair and you’re tall, so why are you unhappy?’ That can be limiting.

You can say ‘Thanks,’ and you can say ‘Thanks a Million’ - but any number in between?..

Good news. President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. Unfortunately, all of them are at the White House.

We really see the live shows as something totally separate from the TV show, even if the audience may not see it that way.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

She goes how come I always catch you looking at slutty looking girls with big boobs. And I go, are you serious? Why? Um. That girl was wearing pink, and pink draws the eye. That's basic optometry hun, I'm surprised you didn't know that.

I love when problems have simple solutions. Cold medicine. Umbrellas. Condoms. Tax incentives & subsidies attracting favored industries.

In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.

I see that they put every black man in the movies in a dress at some point in his career.

A doctor was telling me a lot of people aren't getting their kids circumcised. How many people aren't doing it? I'm not looking to be a trendsetter when it comes to my kid's penis. I don't want my kid to be the only guy in the locker room with a schlong that looks like it's about to rob a bank.

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

The judge asked, "what do you plead?" I said, "Insanity. Your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

Sheep are not considered the most intelligent animals but British scientist say humans may have underestimated the woolly creatures. In fact, the British scientific community is even suggesting that the animals might even be "Irish-smart."