Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 319

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

I could never be a woman, 'cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day.

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing, I think it's gross. And, by the way, it's gross when 99% of straight people do it, too.

Eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions god's infinite love.

You've got guys in charge of shows who probably went to school for chemistry, and now they're executive producers.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham.'

I drink too much. Have you ever done that where you wake up and there’s someone in your bed and they’re a munter. Pulling back that sheet, it’s like Silent Witness ain’t it.

Rush Limbaugh, who has made a career preaching that anybody who does drugs has got to go right to jail - do not pass go, no questions asked, right to jail - gets caught doing thirty oxycontin a day. Thirty oxycontin?! Do you have any idea how high that is?! I don't, and I've been pretty high!

I made some jokes about weed, got some laughs, made some more jokes, got some more laughs; next thing you know, I’m telling a lot of jokes about it.

That’s the thing about terrorism - it works. Especially for the terrorists - they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.

Coward is the most misused word in our society.

It's because of men like you that women like that fuck guys like me.

California is a small woman saying, "Fuck me." New York is a large man saying, "Fuck you!"