Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 357
I actually think I'm more of a turtle than Verne is. Where Verne is up on two legs and moving at full speed and doesn't pull his head into the shell very often, I in reality was five or ten minutes later to every recording session.
My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.
And if I am crying, it's not cuz of you, it's because I'm thinking about a friend of mine, who you don't know, who is dying, that's right dying.
According to doctors, George Bush has the lowest heartbeat ever recorded by someone in the White House. Well, second lowest. Dick Cheney got his down to zero a couple of times.
Guys play characters that won't grow up and something catastrophic happens and they have to grow up to save the day - that's pretty much what today's comedy is about.
I can't remember the last live-action, non-animated Christmas movie.
Joseph Cotten, who said, "You know how I got my name? Sammy Davis picked it for me." Never got a dinner!
When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?
Christmas is a time for joy, love and peace. And a giant spike in the suicide rate. My father had all the christmas joy sucked out of him by his cruel, vindictive mother because his drunken partying father sucked all the christmas joy out of her. Fa la la la la, la la la la.
You know what so funny, this strike has been going on for a long time. It's lasted longer than the Civil Rights movement, what the hell is this? It's painfully obvious to me white people don't know how to protest. You need like an Al Sharpton, have a dream, go to the mountaintop, do something!
It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?