Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 357

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.

You gotta improvise in life. You gotta improv if the police pull you over.

It’s been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is truly a loyal friend, then they wouldn't need to broadcast it; eventually, people will figure it out. I have a lot of good friends and not one of them has ever introduced themselves by saying, "I'm a very good friend."

Disturbing the peace? I got thrown out of a window! What's the fuckin charge for getting pushed out of a moving car, huh? Jaywalking?!

I've always gotten myself overly involved in supporting other women who've not always been as supportive in return.

I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one but I can’t decide what I want and I don’t want to be stuck with one I’m just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later.

Besides if people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

I like old people falling over, that's what makes me laugh.

I started a grease fire at McDonald's - threw a match in the cook's hair.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

There were four million people in the Colonies and we had Jefferson and Franklin. Now we have over 200 million and the two top guys are Clinton and Dole. What can you draw from this? Darwin was wrong!

My belief is, you know, certain things have to be explained that's never been explained.

A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic - bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta - the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you love Jesus". I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.