Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 357

If my father is walking around going, 'Mmm, pussy,' he's thinking about eating the cat.

I'm going to hell, ah... but you're laughing, so you're coming.

Life is a near-death experience.

I can't remember the last live-action, non-animated Christmas movie.

When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.

I can't get the fuckin' trees, damn I will kill everyone in the world!

Blood... does not make you family. In fact, blood just links your DNA to the scene of their crime. A real brother is a guy you can pin down and dangle a two ounce loogie that far over his face. So, that at the very last second, you suck it back in. Or you don't. That's what makes family. Phlegm.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.

Comedy is hard. Complaining is easy.

I think it's because my comedy is in your face, and it comes from a place that's real.

I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.

I think if you steal well, you’re a genius. If you copy badly, you’re a hack.