Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 358
I didn’t “date” in college, I kind of always had a boyfriend. Just because I make jokes on a dating show doesn’t mean I’m Carrie Bradshaw.
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.
All that I ask is that you do every little thing that pops into my head, while I enjoy the enormous fortune your parents left behind.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy.
There was one woman who had a giant sign and on it, it just said, 'America Is Better Than Abortion.' I think she meant that America was too good a place for the horror of abortion. But instead, it sounded like she had weighed both - the American spirit and getting an abortion and decided that American spirit better. I think it is a bad idea to have grammatically ambiguous protest signs.
A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic - bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta - the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you love Jesus". I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.
I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?'
Fuck that. If it's stupid, change it... If it's a dumb law, don't have it.
President Obama was in Indonesia today, and he spent a lot of his childhood there. It was like Dick Cheney going back to visit the Death Star.