Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 358

New York acts like it's a big melting pot, 'cause it's like all the different cultures, 'Oh, we all melt together.' And then you move here and you realize it's not a melting pot at all. It's actually a bunch of pots that want to live next to their own kinds of pots and not talk to other pots.

I'm quietly becoming New York's premiere actor. People don't understand. They have me pigeon-holed as a comedian.

That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy.

But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that.

I think it's because my comedy is in your face, and it comes from a place that's real.

It would be ridiculous for me to say anything negative regarding blacks having an equal opportunity on TV.

I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.

I think if you steal well, you’re a genius. If you copy badly, you’re a hack.

Benadryl - the seven-dollar babysitter.

What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.

I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it stopped at 14th Street. At the station, the doors opened, and the conductor announced that there was a bomb on board and we should evacuate immediately. Nobody moved. We just looked at each other, 'Do you see a bomb?' 'I don't see a bomb.' 'There’s no bomb.' 'I've only got two stops - let's go for it.'

You were born on April Fool’s Day because you’re a dick.

My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.

I find your lack of intelligence endearing, but not in a way that would keep me from cheating on you constantly.

You gotta improvise in life. You gotta improv if the police pull you over.