Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 358
I'd like to have a kid, and I'd like to be driving around. I know a kid is going to be a big part of my life. I can trust my kid. I know my kid would be in the backseat of my car, and when I say "You wanna get some ice-cream?" he's going to be happy. My brother has kids. I see that trick work, the ice cream trick.
I’m anal and forgetful. That’s a bad combo. That mean I like my shit where I like it and I don’t know where the fuck it is. But I’m pretty sure it’s your fault.
You might be a redneck if you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?
I’m on my version of the protein diet, but there ain’t no protein in it. It’s a Krispy Kreme doughnut between two Cinnabons. And you soak it overnight in Red Bull. Then you chase it with a Snickers.
Even if you didn't see the movie, you'd see two words you'd never seen put together before - comedy and Muslim. Comedy is friendly - it's the least offensive word in our language.
That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy.
I feel good. I'm much better. Actually, I just lost 10 pounds on a new diet called the flu. Has anyone tried that one out?
I think it's because my comedy is in your face, and it comes from a place that's real.
Things can be funny only when we are in fun. When we're 'dead earnest,' humor is the only thing that is dead.
Angelina Jolie’s older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it’s not that weird. After all, he could be the father.
If my father is walking around going, 'Mmm, pussy,' he's thinking about eating the cat.