Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 362

You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

You gotta improvise in life. You gotta improv if the police pull you over.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

Joseph Cotten, who said, "You know how I got my name? Sammy Davis picked it for me." Never got a dinner!

I heard the other day of a man who paid a psychologist $50 to cure him of an inferiority complex – and later was fined $25 and costs for talking back to a traffic cop.

There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes.

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas - except the drone.

I'd thought I'd spend time with the kids so they don't turn out weird.

She had a little quirk! A little glitch. We’d get into an argument, I would present my side of the argument. Her retort would invariably be to... punch me in the face.

I started a grease fire at McDonald's - threw a match in the cook's hair.

I believe that there are certain things that could be taken care of that you don't need a strong political background in.

One hip thing about being a recovering addict is I can spot assholes a mile away.