Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 362

He's an agent now. He must know talent. He gave up acting.

I finally accepted Jesus - not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.

Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.

They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward...

I’m anal and forgetful. That’s a bad combo. That mean I like my shit where I like it and I don’t know where the fuck it is. But I’m pretty sure it’s your fault.

I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.

If my father is walking around going, 'Mmm, pussy,' he's thinking about eating the cat.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

I went into the gas station, said, "Fill 'er up, Harry." The guy said, "Regular?" I said, "No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy."

We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't!

Webster's dictionary defines awesome as "anything that leaves you in awe and wonder." Like winning the lottery twice. That would be awesome. Getting a phone call from the IRS saying you've been audited and they owe you $50,000. That would be awesome. Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads "Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth." That would be awesome. Getting invited to the Playboy Mansion on trampoline night. That would be awesome. And I started thinking what would be awesome for Bill Engvall? What would leave me in awe and wonder? And it would have to be if I left this stage tonight and went back to my hotel room. And Shania Twain met me at my door, wearing nothing but a fur coat, holding a note from my wife that said "have a good time." That would be awesome! It ain't gonna happen; but that would be awesome.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

Depression can be a mirage.