Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 362

I'm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.

The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.

I would actually go up during those; it was kind of scary for the people at first and then they were happy. Now, there's a couple amazing people out on the road like Pablo Francisco and Dane Cook is out there and they're building a huge audience with the craft of stand up comedy.

My kids have a competitive drive I never had growing up.

I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something I recommend, unless you have professional clown training or a comedy background, as I do. It is not something I plan to make a habit.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked. I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says "Is it raining out" I couldn’t help my self when I replied "Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here's your sign!"

Dad instantly set out his stall:he wanted a big dog, a 'man dog',a dog that if it was human would enjoy a pint and stare at the barmaid's arse

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.

Hello! Welcome to "Cooking That Has Nothing To Do With Anyone's Actual Life." Today we're making a very complicated recipe, using ingredients you don't have, utensils you've never heard of, in a kitchen bigger than your whole bloody house!

Bob Geldof…no wonder he’s such an expert on famine, he has been dining out on I Don’t Like Mondays for thirty years.

And if I am crying, it's not cuz of you, it's because I'm thinking about a friend of mine, who you don't know, who is dying, that's right dying.

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It’s sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

Oh yeah jerking off is like an aerobic thing for me now man, I'm 40, I do it everyday, I do it everyday. Hell, I've even gone beyond porno, I'm back to regular network TV.