Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 362
If my father is walking around going, 'Mmm, pussy,' he's thinking about eating the cat.
You might be a redneck if you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.
When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be "great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too."
It’s too difficult to convey tone in electronic communication. And we can solve this my friends. All we need is some new fonts. "'Great party Arj. Best party ever.' What a jerk!" "How do you know he wasn’t being sincere, Arj?" "Because he wrote it in Sarcastica! If he had enjoyed himself, he would have used Good Times Roman."
People at home, you having some drinks? Having some drinkies? Or are you booting black tar heroin? Lose the habit!
Just heard a guy say "pussy is my thing". Wow, guy really went out on a limb. Do you also like ice cream, and getting things for free?
You can talk about things indirectly, but if you want to talk how people really talk, you have to talk R-rated. I mean I've got three incredibly intelligent daughters, but when you get mad, you get mad and you talk like people talk. When a normal 17-year-old girl storms out of the house or 15-year-old boy is mad at his mom or dad, they're not talking the way people talk on TV. Unless it's cable.
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
Revenge is for the weak so I have settled my vendettas with all of the kids who made my early life a living hell.
When you're collaborating with somebody who's got a lot of stuff they haven't worked out yet, you're working out their vision as well.
You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you.