Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 362

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

You gotta improvise in life. You gotta improv if the police pull you over.

Is it just me, or does every woman in New York have a severe emotional problem?

I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something I recommend, unless you have professional clown training or a comedy background, as I do. It is not something I plan to make a habit.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

I started a grease fire at McDonald's - threw a match in the cook's hair.

I got a new diaphragm - well, it's new to me.

You might be a redneck if there are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered: "Hey, why not you Roseanne?" Indeed, why not each of us?

The thing about stand-ups is you can't really get good unless you're failing in front of a large number of people. That makes stand-up comedy unique: you need a tremendous amount of reserve within you to take the rejection from the audience, and without it, you can't do anything.

I was always the guy - out of insecurities, I was always making fun, even as a kid.

As far as guys who perform onstage, I love Chris Rock. I'm kind of jaded on everyone else.

I am a man who has never tied his own shoes before!