Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 379
It was awkward and embarrassing, but you have to go through things, ... I got through it and I'm happy it's over with and I can move forward and start playing.
I don't normally talk about my religion publicly because I don't want people to associate me and my flaws with this beautiful thing. And I believe it is beautiful if you learn it the right way.
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed.
I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it's one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they're going to want something from me I can't give, or they're going to hurt me.
Webster's dictionary defines awesome as "anything that leaves you in awe and wonder." Like winning the lottery twice. That would be awesome. Getting a phone call from the IRS saying you've been audited and they owe you $50,000. That would be awesome. Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads "Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth." That would be awesome. Getting invited to the Playboy Mansion on trampoline night. That would be awesome. And I started thinking what would be awesome for Bill Engvall? What would leave me in awe and wonder? And it would have to be if I left this stage tonight and went back to my hotel room. And Shania Twain met me at my door, wearing nothing but a fur coat, holding a note from my wife that said "have a good time." That would be awesome! It ain't gonna happen; but that would be awesome.
I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a cute baby, just keep walking, keep walking, keep going, keep going...."
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
By now they had mastered my own language, but they still made simple mistakes, like using "hermeneutics", when they meant "heuristic".
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
Do you do those secret farts at the supermarket. Quickly piss off to another aisle.
My dick is too aware that your pussy is a chamber of financial ruin!
The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can’t hurt us again until tomorrow.
I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.