Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 379
Double, double, toil and trouble. A dash of menstruation, a little chardonnay, now you’ll be wrong no matter what you say!
Pigmentation was a quick and convenient way of judging a person. One of us, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., once proposed we instead judge people by the content of their character. He was shot.
I took a public speaking class in college and managed to make the class laugh a little bit.
So what happens when nerds all get rich is: there’s a politics to it. Where there is money there is power. So then everyone else is like: “Hey nerds are great!”
Don't like when sports interviewers force answers: "Are you dedicating this game to your sick grandmother?" What's the guy supposed to say?
I'm quietly becoming New York's premiere actor. People don't understand. They have me pigeon-holed as a comedian.
People say "history was written by the winners." No, it wasn't. It was written by the bullies.
It doesn't matter how much of an asshole you are, there was always someone who thought you were cool.
That’s what happens when the “Big One” comes. You go to bed fine, then you wake up dead.
When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.