Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 379

You cannot make your opportunities concur with the opportunities of people whose incomes are ten times greater than yours.

Everyday I look across the office floor, there you were, your hair down to your legs and your legs down the the floor.

The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

Beauty comes in all sizes, not just size 5.

I have a wild bunch of coconuts!

I think pornography is the only art form where you can be videotaped on a shaky handy cam sucking off a horse and be considered a star.

If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I think in twenty years I’ll be looked at like Bob Hope. Doing those president jokes and golf shit. It scares me.

To be good, you need to believe in what you're doing.

True Yankees are born, not made.

Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient tribes of Judea, or one who is regarded as descended from that tribe. That's what it says in the dictionary; but you and I know what a Jew is - One Who Killed Our Lord. And although there should be a statute of limitations for that crime, it seems that those who neither have the actions nor the gait of Christians, pagan or not, will bust us out, unrelenting dues, for another deuce.