Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 395

Like my father I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska.

I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.

Jessica Simpson attended boyfriend Tony Romo’s football game. The Cowboys quarterback had the worst game of his career. It’s a bad year for the name Simpson. Even O. J. is pissed - he feels like they’re making his name look bad.

All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I'm driving a used car.

It says, 'It's safest to let them sleep alone, especially if you drink, use drugs or are overweight.' Yeah, I thought that was weird, too. But if you think about it, if you're drunk, stoned or really fat, in the middle of the night, that baby might look delicious. I've eaten weirder things.

I’m a dumb guy. My point of view is limited.

Why do they put the little "on/off" words on a light switch? If the light's on, you can see that it's on. If the light's off, it's too dark to see the words on the switch.

Every election I have to hold my nose to vote.

My fondest childhood memory is I made out with my babysitter, Cathy. She stops in the middle of everything: "We have to stop this. I feel like such a whore." "Why? I'm not paying you - my parents are! Come here!"

If you've dated a woman over five years and she wants a boob job... she ain't getting it for you. She is putting fresh meat on a new hook, that's all it is. She is trolling for idiot "B," because you have not lived up to her financial expectations. So she's gonna cast those double D's out into the dating pool.

My first appearance as a guest on The Tonight Show was in '81.

They're all mine... Of course, I'd trade any one of them for a dishwasher.

It's just an easy catchall to describe a style because there are a lot of alternative comics who are completely different from each other.

I've finally been able to trust and have intimacy with somebody, which I've never been able to do. Like a lot of guys, I just have a hard time getting that connected. I can actually sleep with her in my arms - spoons position, right? Women smile, they love the spoons. Men would rather fork.

I tried eating vegetarian. I felt like a wimp going into a restaurant. "What do you want to eat sir? Broccoli?" Broccoli's a side dish, folks. Always was, always will be, OK! When they ask me what I want, I say: What do you think I want? This is America. I want a bowl of raw red meat right now.