Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 395

What's important is that you stay true to yourself. Because when you enter the real world, the most valuable thing you can bring is all your you-ness. The world doesn't need any more hot chicks or tough guys or smooth talkers - the world needs more you. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Jack Benny was, without a doubt, the bravest comedian I have ever seen work. He wasn't afraid of silence. He would take as long as it took to tell the story.

Take a drink from the water fountain. Water's running nice and brown. Tastes like an iron mine.

Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. This can escalate into a war that can kill millions. Normal people settle disputes over cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat.

Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an odor-eater.

There are certain parts of a classic nerd’s brain that can destroy that person - obsessing about things to the detriment of everything else in your life. But those are the same tools that you can use to turn everything around.

There are nine Supreme Court members and nine people on a baseball team. Coincidence? Yes.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

Holy shit, everything comes from China nowadays. Do we make anything in America besides porn and autistic kids anymore?

I'm Dave Chappelle and I'm a chronic masturbator.

I got to be funny, I can't dunk.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Like my father I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska.

I always get screwed by the system. That's my place in the universe. I'm the system's bitch.

I mean, every audience for me is different. It's like jazz; you have to feel them out at the beginning and see what they're up to and see what their resistance is and their strengths are and then you just sort of go towards that.