Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 395

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

With my old man I got no respect. When he told me I should start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

Suspicious Suicide Note: "Dear world, you're probably wondering why I tied my hands behind my back and sawed my head off..."

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

I had a girl say this to me. She goes "you know, if god intended women to suck dick, he'd have made cum taste like chocolate" I said "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry."

Comedians don`t get Oscars, so I gave up on that a long time ago. And I can`t really speak about the Oscar-worthiness of my own performance.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

I tend to go against the grain because when I start to see that everybody's trying to shock, I try not to. I just do stuff that's subtler, more emotional, and I think that shocks people.

Writers block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

You can become famous but you can't become unfamous. You can become infamous but not unfamous.

Long John Silver's wife, Short, who said to John, "If the shoe fits..." Never got a dinner!