Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 396
I couldn't get away with Halloween pranks 'cause my parents owned the health food store. So, it was so easy to bust me. I was the only kid on the block egging houses with those big 'ole brown eggs. Like, you didn't have to be a detective to figure it out. 'Oh, I wonder who Tofuttied my mailbox. Is it the same evil genius who filled my bird bath with Rice Dream?'
We hear every damn day about how fragile our country is - on the brink of catastrophe - torn by polarizing hate, and how it’s a shame that we can’t work together to get things done, but the truth is we do. We work together to get things done every damn day!
Heard someone say "children are god's gift to the world". What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift?
We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
I had to travel half way across the world to be called an American.
David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he never had to worry about driving anywhere - his car drove itself.
You know when you're telling these little stories? Here's a good idea: have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!
First I asked her what time it is, right? Tomorrow I get to ask her the date, the day after that she's all over me. That's how it works, you play it slow.
Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.
If you've dated a woman over five years and she wants a boob job... she ain't getting it for you. She is putting fresh meat on a new hook, that's all it is. She is trolling for idiot "B," because you have not lived up to her financial expectations. So she's gonna cast those double D's out into the dating pool.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Double, double, toil and trouble. A dash of menstruation, a little chardonnay, now you’ll be wrong no matter what you say!
My standup has always been a direct reflection of my life. When I was single, I talked about single stuff. I talked about dating. When I got married there were only a handful of stories I could move over to where I wasn't going to be disrespectful to my wife. So I developed a new routine.