Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 396
Listen, Dim Sum, you little fuck fuck, I didn't pay a hundred dollars for a fucking towel rub.
Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you’re ready to have a baby.
How do you 'accidentally' shoot a nigga in the chest six times? 'Well, my gun fell and just went crazy!'
That’s what happens when the “Big One” comes. You go to bed fine, then you wake up dead.
Some black people want to get in touch with their African roots. But then you got some black people that just don't give a damn. You tell them, 'Hey, I just got back from the motherland.' They're like, 'Where'd you go - Detroit? Did you see The Temptations?'
Shut up before I drop yo ass off at Koreatown. Now hold on, America, don't start writing no letters. I'm just kidding. But am I lying?
I'll never forget the day I realized I wasn't quite the Ford model I thought I was.
A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.
If you've dated a woman over five years and she wants a boob job... she ain't getting it for you. She is putting fresh meat on a new hook, that's all it is. She is trolling for idiot "B," because you have not lived up to her financial expectations. So she's gonna cast those double D's out into the dating pool.
I played golf. I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell, "Fore!" I was too busy yelling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him!"
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
They had this movie called Juno about a teenage girl who gets pregnant and it's nominated for an Oscar. That's an unusual experience for me, 'cause when a black girl gets pregnant it ain't no Oscar. It's social work and a box of condoms is what that is.
I don't ever want to be Number One because once you become Number One, you start to change.