Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 407
When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest... when they start to bleed go, "I guess not".
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
As a comedian, as an entertainer, there's a lot of downtime. Once you can accept that comedy is a marathon, not a sprint, it gets a little easier.
I don't think anybody should go through life without a team of psychologists. I have been through times when I'm literally squatting in the living room, having one of those open-throated cries, where you're crying all the way to your butthole. I always believed I would come out of it, though.
The foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
When you're watching the news, how many days in a row can you watch that and feel good about yourself and the world?
Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
I've always hate child stars, starting from way back when, when I was a child. The first child star I saw was Shirley Temple. She was six years old, two foot six and the biggest star in Hollywood. She wore ribbons in her hair, and frilly little pinafores and shiny patent-leather tap shoes - just like the boys in Glee do.
When I was in high school the worst thing you could ever get was VD. Talk about the sniffles! I just want to meet an old-fashioned girl with gonorrhea.
I think it started when she said she's happier without me. I can't really blame her 'cause I'm happier without me!
Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you’re ready to have a baby.
Fuckin' is good for you, Jack. Gettin' some pussy beats having a war.