Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 407

I’m a dumb guy. My point of view is limited.

I’m afraid of sharks - but only in a water situation.

Women are cursed, and men are the proof.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Everyday I look across the office floor, there you were, your hair down to your legs and your legs down the the floor.

I'm so wrapped up in my work that it's often impossible to consider other things in my life. My marriage ended in divorce because of this, my relationship with Holly has suffered by this.

To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, "Oh, come on!" every now and then at the TV.

I think, over the years, I've kind of evolved.

The only sport I really get into is snowboarding. Cause that’s the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.

The new breed of comics are completely different than what I did.

Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her?

What kind of man gives cigarettes to trees?

The foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.

I hate to judge everybody across the board.

I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.