Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 407
I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.
I think of myself as a fairly attractive girl and always have, thanks to my mom. I was brought into this world thinking I was gorgeous because my mother was extremely devoted to this notion.
Beware of people who fall at your feet. They may be reaching for the corner of the rug.
'SNL' is the first real job I've held for more than a month and a half.
If your job was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it.
I recently became vegan because I felt that as a Jewish lesbian, I wasn't part of a small enough minority. So now I'm a Jewish lesbian vegan.
Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.
Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. 'Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.' With Larry I think it goes, 'Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable.'
Whats up with all these guys killing their wives now? Like, every couple of weeks in the news, you see that shit... guys killing their wives. I don't understand it. First of all, why would you kill another person, and second of all, don't they think the whole thing through? Like, how the whole things gonna play out? Like, I'm gonna kill my wife, then I'm gonna get caught, then I'm gonna go to jail, then I'm gonna get fucked in the ass.
The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.
She says to me during the act of lovemaking, 'Hey Daniel, what's it like having sex with a condom on?' And I'm like, 'How should I know?'
The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.