Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 408

When you're on that ecstasy shit, this sounds like "Hey Jude".

Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking. It's nothing to brag about.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

I love mullets. The other day, in Pittsburgh, I saw the greatest mullet I've ever seen. I can't describe it. It was just the mullet of all time; complete 'business in the front, party in the back.' I've never seen anything like it.

I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.

Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.

I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.

When life give you lemons... you probably just found lemons.

Talk about sexist - have you ever, ever, heard someone come up to a woman and say ‘find your masculine side?’ And by the way women, if you find your masculine side - I’m not interested.

We were going to do it before the hurricane, but decided to wait.

My grandfather was a very insignificant man: at his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.

My whole act is off the top of my head.

The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.

If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.