Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 408
My whole family thinks I'm gay, I guess it's always been that way. Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk, Makes them think I like... boys.
When I first got into this biz called show, I decided I was going to change my name, make it more Hollywood. And you know how you do that? You take your middle name and the first street that you ever lived on. So when I first started, I actually went by Sue Rural Route 2.
I recently became vegan because I felt that as a Jewish lesbian, I wasn't part of a small enough minority. So now I'm a Jewish lesbian vegan.
Here's the thing - I'm single, I haven't been married, I don't have kids yet. If I do have kids I would be interested to see them in my life, so here's a movie for kids and I'm in there and I'm supposed to be kind of funny for kids.
Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?
Sex when you’re married is like going to a 7-Eleven. There’s not as much variety, but at three in the morning, it’s always there.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
I hope what I do has an art to it, and as an artist you have to try new things and keep yourself entertained.
Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.
Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life.
It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.
Apparently the guards put sperm in Paris Hilton’s porridge when she was in prison. That’s got to be horrible for her. “Eurgh! There’s porridge in this!”
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
I am a product... I'm a comedian. I'm not curing cancer. In the end, I tell jokes. I make people laugh. I make sense out of ridiculous situations, but in the end, it's all about laughter. It's all about your cheek hurting, your stomach hurting.