Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 408
People like to compare something to something that they know. Even with Chris Rock, they say he's like Richard Pryor or Eddie Murphy.
Well I grew up in Canada in a really small town. We didn't have running water for a long time and we didn't have TV. Then when we did get TV we only had one channel.
George Bush has fucked up so bad, he made it hard for a white man to run for president! People are like "give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra... anything but another white man! That last one fucked up my roof!"
Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. 'Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.' With Larry I think it goes, 'Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable.'
So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for fuck all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard.
Posting calorie counts on a menu is like a girl tattooing the number of STDs she has on her vagina. Everyone close enough to read those stats is already committed to that bad decision.
I had a girl put on crotchless britches for my birthday one time. I come home, she was like, “want some of this right here.” i go, “No, look what it did to your underbritches over there.”
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
One of the pluses of being married with no kids is that my wife can have more free time after she tucks me in.
I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.
Telling a comedian "Make me laugh" on their time off, is like telling a professional dancer: "Strip for me, you cheap little whore".
You know when you're telling these little stories? Here's a good idea: have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!