Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 408

Upstate New York in the middle of October. You can't get more beautiful than that.

Believe it or not, I write on stage. I can't write anywhere else; I have to be in a moment. I also have to challenge myself to make something funny out of a premise. I never have my own jokes written. I have to change things as I go along, and I have to entertain myself.

Writers block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

Georgia was a great place to live, but I wanted to get out because I knew the opportunities for what I was doing - stand-up comedy and eventually acting - were in Los Angeles.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life...

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

Its too hot for a penguin out here come here mister penguin.

The reason I do what I do is because I was influenced by Steve Martin, by Woody Allen, by Bob Newhart, by Carol Burnett, by Lucille Ball.

I was influenced by every comedian I ever saw work. That's the only way you learn how to do it.

Little kids ask questions every second. She must have asked a thousand questions in one block, and finally, I panicked. She went, 'What are those clouds made of?' I'm an idiot anyway - I go, 'Steam from a hot dog.'

I don't want the money. I don't want the drama. I just want to do my show. I want to have fun again.

Fuckin' is good for you, Jack. Gettin' some pussy beats having a war.

Talking to the British about sex is like talking to Americans about reading. Nobody does it so why talk about it?

If you want some pussy, you'll talk all that shit with them. 'Hey, yeah, sure,, the cosmos.. sure..'