Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 406
You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.
I dated around some, but I've always been a serial monogamist. I don't know how people date around a lot, and not want to stab themselves in the face with a sharp object.
Now I can't have no 'curse' show - I mean - I got to throw in a few jokes in between the curses! I can't come out and just go "Hello! Filth flar'n filth, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot, and shit. Good night! Suck my dick!
Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
I don't ever want to be Number One because once you become Number One, you start to change.
That’s what happens when the “Big One” comes. You go to bed fine, then you wake up dead.
The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.
It's a constant battle between what your heart tells you, and what your brain tells you.
Mama says that, alligators are onry cause they got all them teeth, but no toothbrush...
People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your hotel. On your arrival, you get $100 in quarters. Take that $100 back to your hotel room and stare at it for a long, long time. Why? Because you're never going to see them again. Then you take those quarters to the bathroom and you flush them, one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is that every so often the toilet will back up, and you'll feel like a winner!
They probably sit around on the floor with wine and cheese, and mispronounce allegorical and didacticism.
I took a course at Cal once called Statistical Analysis. And there was a guy in the course who used to make up all his computations and he never used Sigma. He used his own initials. 'Cause he was the standard deviation.
I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.