Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 406

There are never enough I Love You's.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

Believe it or not, I write on stage. I can't write anywhere else; I have to be in a moment. I also have to challenge myself to make something funny out of a premise. I never have my own jokes written. I have to change things as I go along, and I have to entertain myself.

I had a dream that Connie Chung is doing a newscast about my death and they show a clip from Soap.

Now I can't have no 'curse' show - I mean - I got to throw in a few jokes in between the curses! I can't come out and just go "Hello! Filth flar'n filth, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot, and shit. Good night! Suck my dick!

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

I'll go back to comedy clubs when they get a real no-camera policy, the same way they did with smoking.

Please kids, I beg you. Don't be stealing beer underage.

People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.

I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times.

When you have a good mother and no father, God kind of sits in. It's not enough, but it helps.

I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humour doesn't know what he's talking about.

My whole family thinks I'm gay, I guess it's always been that way. Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk, Makes them think I like... boys.

Its too hot for a penguin out here come here mister penguin.