Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 406

The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.

I always said if I ever get married, I would tell my woman - I love Michael Jordan, I am a Michael Jordan fanatic - I said, 'Michael Jordan is the only athlete you can sleep with and I wouldn't get mad, as long as you got something signed. You gotta bring back a ball, a hat or something. You can't just give away that shit for free.'

There are a couple of images I really love in this movie. One is crossing into Pakistan illegally to see a group of guys who ordinarily you'd think would want to kill you, but they want to be stand-up comedians.

According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.

I hate to judge everybody across the board.

We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.

Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you’re ready to have a baby.

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.

I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.

When you're on that ecstasy shit, this sounds like "Hey Jude".

I don't want to be a spokesman for family values, but that's the way my standup is perceived.

You're so stupid... Yet your live.

I still get very scared when I step in front of a live audience.

In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.