Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 412
Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
I appreciate your applause, but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash, it's much better.
To be diagnosed was the hardest thing because I didn't know what they were talking about... And the doctor said, "Don't worry, in three months you'll know." So I went about my business and then, one day, it jumped me. I couldn't get up... Your muscles trick you; they did me.
My wife always has a splitting archetype whenever I want to have sex.
Words like "kiosk", that’s a Viking word and it came from when they would rape and pillage… 'cause they would rape and pillage and awful and blood everywhere and limbs hacked and money stolen, and then they’d say: "If you have enjoyed today’s experience, you can get some souvenirs in the kiosk which is just down on the beach. Thank you, thank you."
She is not perfect. You are not perfect. The question is whether or not you are perfect for each other.
I thought my girlfriend told me I was her soul mate, but what she said was 'cell mate.'
We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro.
The thing is - I'm not an idiot. I'm rather intelligent, as proven by the fact that I just used the word 'rather' in a sentence.
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.