Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 412

I find masturbation to be too intimate quite frankly. In fact, I won’t even masturbate unless I promise myself to take myself afterwards out to a dinner and a film. Which is sad.

I dated around some, but I've always been a serial monogamist. I don't know how people date around a lot, and not want to stab themselves in the face with a sharp object.

I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.

What I am for is justice for everyone, just like it says in the Constitution.

I think it started when she said she's happier without me. I can't really blame her 'cause I'm happier without me!

Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house - obviously, they’ll have a turkey with all-white meat.

I still get very scared when I step in front of a live audience.

While you're improvising, you may come up with something which will break him up. As soon as that smile comes out, you know that, hey, we're having fun.

People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.

People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.

Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.

Now I can't have no 'curse' show - I mean - I got to throw in a few jokes in between the curses! I can't come out and just go "Hello! Filth flar'n filth, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot, and shit. Good night! Suck my dick!

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right.

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?