Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 412

If you have a funny costume, you can't really wear it when you get older.

Love is all about... whistles.

And two balls minus one, six titles at the tour de France.

I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.

"Yeah my dad was a Women's Rights Activist." "Your dad?" "Yup." "Not your mum?" "No... Dad would have never allowed that."

Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.

It's not the hair on your head that matters. It's the kind of hair you have inside.

For every dollar that a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents. That doesn't make sense. That's not fair, the man's only left with 30.

I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at.

I find masturbation to be too intimate quite frankly. In fact, I won’t even masturbate unless I promise myself to take myself afterwards out to a dinner and a film. Which is sad.

I asked my girlfriend if she ever had sex with a woman. She said no... Then she tried it... Now she's gone.

I've decided to become gay, not in a sexual way, but I am going to start picking up around the house.

They do sell a lot of weird things in sex shops. They have this stuff called Mr. Big Cream. It says, “Rub it on your dick and your dick gets bigger.” Great. Wouldn’t your hands get bigger too?

It’s so much easier to give advice than to take it.

Suspicious Suicide Note: "Dear world, you're probably wondering why I tied my hands behind my back and sawed my head off..."