Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 412
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
I usually meet people at my doctors' offices because I go all the time. It's embarrassing. Like at the skin doctor last week, in the lobby, the nurse said, 'Hi Mr. Lewis. Do you still have that rash on your behind?'
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
I don't want the money. I don't want the drama. I just want to do my show. I want to have fun again.
Now people want what the movie was about, which is violent comedy. And that's really what The Aristocrats is based on - what will a family do out of desperation.
I have an ex-wife, can you tell - Cock shit fuck - but... I have a wonderful ex-wife, I really do. She's a great mom, and she's doing great. She's fuckin' rich - that's hey boyfriend's name.
In my teens my folks used a drone look-alike kite to see if I was masturbating too much.
They're talking about partial nuclear disarmament, which is also like talking about partial circumcision - you either go all the way or forget it.
I remember the first time I met Cynthia it was at the beach. I was digging for clams and I came up with her.
I was teaching airplane mechanics when I realized it was more fun to make them laugh. I was laid off one more time and I never looked back, although it was nice to have a steady paycheck and benefits.
Remember this shit, if you play certain rock albums backwards there'd be satanic messages? Let me tell you something, if you're sitting round your house playing your albums backwards, you are Satan. You needn't look any further. And don't go ruining my stereo to prove a point either.
In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.