Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 413

My main point is to be funny; if I can slip a message in there, fine.

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Every election I have to hold my nose to vote.

"Yeah my dad was a Women's Rights Activist." "Your dad?" "Yup." "Not your mum?" "No... Dad would have never allowed that."

If your job was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it.

I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.

We were going to do it before the hurricane, but decided to wait.

George Bush has fucked up so bad, he made it hard for a white man to run for president! People are like "give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra... anything but another white man! That last one fucked up my roof!"

You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!

I was influenced by every comedian I ever saw work. That's the only way you learn how to do it.

My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice, unless your hands are dirty from coconuts. Then it's the worst soap possible.

A politician is a person skilled in the art of compromise. Usually an elected official who has compromised to get nominated, compromised to get elected, and compromised repeatedly to stay in office.

My influences were Woody Allen and Lenny Bruce.

You think school ends when it ends, but it doesn't.