Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 413
In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.
I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.
It doesn't behoove us not to ask these questions. It makes us look like fools.
And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group.
Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.
My wife gets mad because we'll be in the middle of something and I'll stop and say, 'No, I've got to write this down!' She'll say, 'No! We're in a discussion!' I say, 'I know, but it's hilarious!'
I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at.
There are two types of men: those who are intimated by a girl like me, and those who are not. You don't have to like me, but you don't have to be a dick about it. And after a lifetime of dealing with this, I'm pretty well-equipped, verbally, to cut anyone down at any time.
I don’t come up with ideas, they come to me. I write them down and try to convey what's wrong with me to the audience as best I can.
When I saw the sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
I'm not a gay man, but I will say this: I get it now. I know what all the hype is about.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
In the locker room. Some dude is staying a conversation with me. "Hey not while you're drying your nutsack".