Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 413

Visible matter is 4% of the universe.The rest is 'dark matter'. I would argue a third type which describes most of my world. Doesn't matter.

My friends are trying to get me to go out on blind dates. Big 'NO' to that because all my friends are a bunch of lying geeks. They're always like, 'Brian, you're really gonna dig this girl. She's got Traci Lords' eyes, Michelle Pfeiffer's nose, Kim Basinger's lips.' Yeah, they always forget to tell me she's also got Charlie Brown's head.

A river in Cleveland caught fire… what did they put it out with?

I said, 'That's the wrong drink.' And he said, 'Sorry, dude, I'm tired.' And I was like, 'Have a frickin' coffee, man. That's why I'm here.'

You work your butt off and somebody says you can't have your record played because it offends them. Tyrants are made of such stuff.

I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce.

The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.

It turns out I was duped. I have no-one to blame but myself and boy is my face red... Now I need to apologise to the Lindsay Lohan family. I hope I didn't embarrass you and your family.

My wife always has a splitting archetype whenever I want to have sex.

She is not perfect. You are not perfect. The question is whether or not you are perfect for each other.

I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met.

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

My life was typical. I played a little Little League baseball. I never wanted for food. I always had shoes. I had a room. There were no great tragedies. There were the typical ups and downs but I wouldn' t say it was at all sad. We were Jewish and living in the suburbs so there was a slightly neurotic bent to it, but I can't point to anything where a boy overcame a tragedy to become a comedian. As my grandmother used to say, 'I can't complain.'

The nervousness never lasted more than a second because he was so congenial and comfortable. He made more stars on his show, probably, than anybody in the whole history of show business.