Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 413
I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at.
I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's up, whitebread?" And I was like, "That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!
The people you would have overdose on drugs never would. Like Motley Crue would never fucking overdose, man, never. You could put them in a room with two tons of crack, they'd come out half an hour later, going "Rock on man!"
John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike.
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
Talking to the British about sex is like talking to Americans about reading. Nobody does it so why talk about it?
I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.
When white people eat potato chips, they're called white people. When black people eat potato chips, they're called niggas.
Our air quality's all messed up now. Knew that was coming when they lowered the emissions standards. Knew that was gonna happen when he appointed Christine Whitman head of the EPA. Yeah, the governor of New Jersey is head of the Environmental Protection Agency. Do you know how dirty New Jersey is?
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met.
I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humour doesn't know what he's talking about.