Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 413
I want to keep working, I want to keep doing my humanitarian stuff around the world, shining light on different places that have problems. Keep making movies, make people laugh.
Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.
I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
Our air quality's all messed up now. Knew that was coming when they lowered the emissions standards. Knew that was gonna happen when he appointed Christine Whitman head of the EPA. Yeah, the governor of New Jersey is head of the Environmental Protection Agency. Do you know how dirty New Jersey is?
I grew up in Boston, and in Boston, people just beat the shit out of each other for no reason. They just beat the shit out of each other. But I kinda think you need that to keep quality control 'cause in places where it doesn't have it, they're too free.
In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.
Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner..."
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
It's not the hair on your head that matters. It's the kind of hair you have inside.
People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
I asked my girlfriend if she ever had sex with a woman. She said no... Then she tried it... Now she's gone.
I've decided to become gay, not in a sexual way, but I am going to start picking up around the house.