Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 411
I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humour doesn't know what he's talking about.
"Yeah my dad was a Women's Rights Activist." "Your dad?" "Yup." "Not your mum?" "No... Dad would have never allowed that."
George Bush has fucked up so bad, he made it hard for a white man to run for president! People are like "give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra... anything but another white man! That last one fucked up my roof!"
I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
Why's God always got such wacky shit to say? When's the last time you heard somebody say, 'God told me to get a muffin and a cup of tea and cool out, man.'
I said to my husband, "Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?" He said, "I don't want to wake you up."
My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It's really sad, because that's what my show is all about, what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.
I was working at a golf course mowing stuff… That was the worst job ever. I got bit by a swan… You don’t ever recover from that either. That’s not supposed to happen. Who do you trust after that? I rather get attacked by a bear. Because if you get attacked by a bear you might lose an arm or something, but you got a freakin’ story at least.
Yes you can tell how good a guy is on bed by the way he dances. If a guy is excellent at dancing he’s also probably really great at having sex… with men… having anal sex.
So … uh … I'd better explain the tits. Um … didn't have those at school. Wanted to, but not in the school curriculum … even though I asked.
Fang will not go on a picnic. He says we have the whole thing at home: bugs, dirt, tainted food. At our last picnic we wanted to play horseshoes, but his mother refused to go barefoot.
They’re all for changing the laws except when it comes to their campaign donors.