Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 411

When you’re learning, sometimes you make mistakes that help you be successful. It can be, realizing, “Oh, I did this wrong” or “I wasn’t affiliated with the right people.” Those things make you better.

My whole act is confession.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.

We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro.

I'm now unemployed. It's a weird feeling with no work, but at least there's still golf. Standup comedy is like my core, it's what I do. But I want to be a pro golfer. It's a love/hate relationship with golf. I can come away feeling so serene, and yet, it's the thing that I can let get to me to throw a club and say curses that don't even exist. I'm obsessed with something that won't let me master it. I don't know. I need therapy.

So drug dealers don't find it funny when you ask for a receipt?

I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at.

More people write poetry than read it.

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: "What is that? Muffins!"

Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. This can escalate into a war that can kill millions. Normal people settle disputes over cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat.

One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair.

I have a problem, if the light goes on on TV and it blinks midnight, I don't know how to fix it.

Believe it or not, I write on stage. I can't write anywhere else; I have to be in a moment. I also have to challenge myself to make something funny out of a premise. I never have my own jokes written. I have to change things as I go along, and I have to entertain myself.

I feel like… I don’t have a wife, I don’t have a kids, but… I see rappers and I’m like, I know that’s fake. I know how much you make, this is all bullshit. But people are buying into it, and you shouldn’t have that power. I’m legit trying to make honest moves so that all of us can grow. I want to make a show where my sister can work on and become a producer because she can’t get in, no one’s leting her. I want to make things where people can actually grow. A place where people can actually be honest.