Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 411

My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It's really sad, because that's what my show is all about, what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.

On the wall someone always has to write, “Mike was here” but someone draws an arrow and writes "Mike is a faggot." Like Mike is coming back to check it out. "What the fuck is this? I was here but not as a faggot! I’m trying to make a statement here!"

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

Gay men, if they've been straight and turn gay, they're gay, honey.

It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world.

I am an only child. I have one sister.

I like the escalator. Because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be a escalator temporary out of order sign, only an “Escalator temporarily stair. Sorry for the convenience.”

I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy.

I'm so old they've canceled my blood type.

I'll tell you something that a girl does not like for you to whisper in her ear, and that is "I'm going to perform Jihad on your vagina".

Satan called - he's changed the sheets, fluffed the pillows and laid out the complimentary chocolate. Hell is ready for John Edwards.

Intellectually, I think everyone really knows that women are funny, but it’s a weird thing that people keep trotting out.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

Every election I have to hold my nose to vote.

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.