Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 425

I laugh at weird times - at good and bad things alike. I laugh simply when things are incongruous. It’s not necessarily a judgment - as it is noticing the oddity of something.

When somebody says "I wouldn't change a thing" they're thinking of something they would change.

I got some pills and they were awesome - I took them for a long time. And my New Age-y friends would go ‘you know, you’re still feeling your anxiety, you’re just masking it with medication.’ And I said ‘Yes! It’s what it says on the label of the fucking pill! You know, in the winter I still feel the cold, I just mask it with a coat. What is your addiction to suffering?’

I asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic, he told me how he killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.

Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit... I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P. A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh... Oh, God this is so embarrassing... I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."

It should be up to each bar owner and patron to decide if they want to smoke or not.

Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.

A lot of people my age think stand up sucks.

I want to get away from it all. Move to the sticks. Montana. Hundreds of miles from civilization. Get a cabin in the snow. Curl up with some cute girl. Say stuff to her like, "Scream all you want, sugar. Ain’t nobody gonna hear you!"

I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.

I think of myself as a fairly attractive girl and always have, thanks to my mom. I was brought into this world thinking I was gorgeous because my mother was extremely devoted to this notion.

Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.

Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.

I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes every day and soon Ill be telling them every night. Just me, one Jew talking and that's it.

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. "Don't answer!"