Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 425
Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.
4 in every 8 math teachers think that they should be 1 in every 2 math teachers.
I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
Comedians are therapists. People honestly think we’re doing it for ourselves. No. If we wanted to do stand-up for ourselves, we would perform in front of a mirror and never go to a club. We are giving this away. Some people are going through so much in their lives, they want to hear something else that’s going on in the world and laugh.
Our date-nightrule is no talking about the kids. That lasts about to the end of the driveway.
How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.
When you’re learning, sometimes you make mistakes that help you be successful. It can be, realizing, “Oh, I did this wrong” or “I wasn’t affiliated with the right people.” Those things make you better.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
Look at that! It's a park, and there's a white guy and a black guy and an Asian guy and a Latino guy. And that guy, he's Canadian - don't worry about him, they never affect the world much at all.
Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell said recently that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. And I thought, 'Have fun in Congress then.'
Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
You know the only thing you can do to stop your man from cheating? The only thing you can do … is be there. Where? There! Wherever he's thinking about fucking, that's it. Just be right there. And even then he still might lose your ass. He's like, "Honey, look! A Sale! Let me go fuck this bitch right now!"