Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 425
Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her?
There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?
I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.
Human beings only use ten percent of their brains. Ten percent! Can you imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other sixty percent?
My father had a very unusual psychic ability, he could detect water. It's called divining. He would use a Y-shaped U-branch, and he could find water with that, which is a very impressive skill in a country where it rains 365 days of the year.
Let's talk a little about love. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn't go so great and I call that a relationshit!
I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley's 'Believe It or Not' and he sent it back and said, 'I don't believe it.'
When you've been in the business 5-years, as a person, it's like you're 5-years old - like a child. 10-years and you're 10-years old, 20... Etcetera. That's how I measure maturity in this industry.
Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.
When the child is twelve, your wife buys her a splendidly silly article of clothing called a training bra. To train what? I never had a training jock. And believe me, when I played football, I could have used a training jock more than any twelve-year-old needs a training bra.
It should be up to each bar owner and patron to decide if they want to smoke or not.
“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!