Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 425
While you're improvising, you may come up with something which will break him up. As soon as that smile comes out, you know that, hey, we're having fun.
The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.
Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.
Why do they call them cowboys? Cows is girls; bulls is boys. They should call them 'cowgirls' and 'bullboys.'
I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.
We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.
We're at a wishing well one day. I'm with my son and I give him a penny, and I said, 'Owen, you take this penny, you throw it in the water, and you can wish for anything you want.' So he takes the penny, throws it into the water. I go, 'What'd you wish for?' He goes, 'To throw the penny in the water.'
Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.
I'm in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn't even know I exist. And what's worse, she can prove it.