Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 425

Enjoy your popcorn and enjoy the jokes. It's just a movie, so have fun!

Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.

I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

My wife asked me once if I weren't a comedian what I would do. I couldn't answer the question. I never imagined doing anything else.

I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.

Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card.

The quickest way to a woman's heart is through her clit.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

While you're improvising, you may come up with something which will break him up. As soon as that smile comes out, you know that, hey, we're having fun.

My Gran said put a thimble on your finger and it helps you in case you slip with the needle and it goes up, into the brain, and death.

Some days I think I look kind of cute, but other days I try to avoid the mirror.

Women have choices, and men have responsibilities.

My report card always said, "Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students."

Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.