Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 435
Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.
How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.
My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
I was the voice of Bobby. So while I was doing the show, I was also a father. It did reflect how I tried to handle things in my own home.
Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.
What's your name again? That's right. I'm so glad you know your name.
Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.
The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.
We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."
Seriously, you don't have to know English. It'd be nice, a nice little plus. We don't want miracles. You don't have to know the country's language. But just some shapes, that's all. A square. A little geometry.
I don't believe any particular ethnic group is smarter than any other group.
You might be a redneck if your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
In general I believe in treating everybody nicely. I just think everybody doesn’t have to be an asshole. I just don’t understand why, because everybody wants to make it so badly when it comes to the fame and money, everybody turns to shit. I believe you can actually make money and be cool.
I got into trouble a lot in school. They say you're a disturbance in class. You're a distraction, they're moving you around. You never really get rewarded in class for being funny. You're a disturbance. But the funny kid is often witty and clever and quick... they finally get a chance to express themselves when they get out of school.