Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 435

Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.

The way I figure, there are two types of people: those who get it and those who don't. If they get it, there's nothing to explain, and if they don't, there's no point in trying to explain. They don't get it. Move on.

Seventy-two virgins - does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian.

It's heart-wrenching because they often need the money.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, "Oh, he's good."

I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.

When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said ' you wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!

John Kerry speaks French fluently. Democrats are saying he's one in a million. A war hero who speaks French, isn't it more like one in a trillion?

My wife gets mad because we'll be in the middle of something and I'll stop and say, 'No, I've got to write this down!' She'll say, 'No! We're in a discussion!' I say, 'I know, but it's hilarious!'

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.

Bristol Palin came in third in 'Dancing with the Stars.' Sarah Palin is not at all happy with the decision - she's already planning to refudiate it.

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!

Everyone has their personal topics. My comedy has always been very strong on observational humor, it stems from what I see every day in my life.

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.