Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 435
It's my mission to try and give people fighting the disease the same gifts of laughter and a positive attitude I had. Hopefully, my career as a comic will give me the forum to touch these people.
What’s the difference between a jazz guitarist and a pepperoni pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.
If I had to give up everything else and keep just one aspect of the job, I'd have to keep writing because I love it. Yes, I enjoy performing, too. But I couldn't give up writing material.
Cranberry Ale! Cranberry NUT CRUNCH FUCKING ALE! Cranberries and beer do not go together! One's for bladder infections, one's for getting DRUNK!
People thought this would be an award show - but we couldn't get anybody to open up the envelopes. I've been backstage at a lot of rock concerts, and I've never seen musicians run away from white powder before!
We stock up on popcorn and candy like we're crossing the Sierras, don't we? "I'll have a couple of soft pretzels, a hot dog, Milk Duds, Snocaps. Is that the largest popcorn you've got there, that bucket? You don't have a barrel or anything like that? Do you have a donkey or a pack mule or anything? - Oh, and a Diet Coke."
So two women who had been shot were discovered on a golf course. It sounds like someone got a hole in one and a hole on the other one.
You know what. I didn’t ask to be here... Sue my mother. She is the one who had the fucking goal to create life without it’s consent.
Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.
When I started I'd fly across the country to do a gig for a hundred bucks.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.