Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 435
It's always cool to meet people who can do things that you have no capacity to do.
The subtext of every one of these beautiful poems is that it doesn't matter how big your cock is, it's what you do with it. Like the guy with the giant cock would have no clue.
My father was a rabbi and had a little synagogue in Canada, so I'm from Canada. I left there at 16.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.
You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
In general I believe in treating everybody nicely. I just think everybody doesn’t have to be an asshole. I just don’t understand why, because everybody wants to make it so badly when it comes to the fame and money, everybody turns to shit. I believe you can actually make money and be cool.
I just always loved stand-up. It's like magic. You say something, and a whole room full of people laughs together. Say something else, they laugh again. The fact that people come to see that and participate in that... I don't know, it's just like magic.
If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.
We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I used to always run off at the mouth and talk about people. I just didn't know that it would make a living for me.
Seventy-two virgins - does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian.
How come we got the grumpy boat of bandy-legged Puritans? How come we didn't get the Italian party boat with the cappuccino makers and the gelato machine? That was the sexy boat, man.
To be diagnosed was the hardest thing because I didn't know what they were talking about... And the doctor said, "Don't worry, in three months you'll know." So I went about my business and then, one day, it jumped me. I couldn't get up... Your muscles trick you; they did me.