Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 436
There's only three major elements. Air, land, which is your flesh and water, which is your blood. You're walking on a third of yourself. She's called Mother Earth. She gave birth to your ass. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, your maggot food ass going right back to her!
Nothing screams “welcome for one night” like the inflatable mattress. “Hey, I threw a sheet on a pool raft. Hope you like it.”
There's not many a man who would get shot and then come visit the family responsible.
One of the first things you ever learn as a stand-up is don't show fear.
Why would you beat up on a gay guy? I'm all for kickin' ass, but let's take out the enemy, you know, some good-looking straight dude with a nice car and job.
Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony.
If I had to give up everything else and keep just one aspect of the job, I'd have to keep writing because I love it. Yes, I enjoy performing, too. But I couldn't give up writing material.
We stock up on popcorn and candy like we're crossing the Sierras, don't we? "I'll have a couple of soft pretzels, a hot dog, Milk Duds, Snocaps. Is that the largest popcorn you've got there, that bucket? You don't have a barrel or anything like that? Do you have a donkey or a pack mule or anything? - Oh, and a Diet Coke."
CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.
Love. Hygiene. That's the important thing. Hygiene. The toughest thing in the world: you have to turn to your mate one night and say: "You gotta wash your ass!" Shit. Knowing how difficult it is, I said it for you: you gotta wash your ass.
It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.
My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and... go at them.