Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 436
I want to get away from it all. Move to the sticks. Montana. Hundreds of miles from civilization. Get a cabin in the snow. Curl up with some cute girl. Say stuff to her like, "Scream all you want, sugar. Ain’t nobody gonna hear you!"
It is the best part of the night. The classic interactive lines are 'Where are you from? What do you do for a living?' I almost always get something interesting.
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said ' you wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!
She doesn't need a steak knife. Rona Barrett cuts her food with her tongue.
I have two skateboards, but I don't get to use them much. I have a snowboard, which I've never used.
Bristol Palin came in third in 'Dancing with the Stars.' Sarah Palin is not at all happy with the decision - she's already planning to refudiate it.
Seriously, you don't have to know English. It'd be nice, a nice little plus. We don't want miracles. You don't have to know the country's language. But just some shapes, that's all. A square. A little geometry.
Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways.
If I see a beautiful woman walking down the street, a pretty lady, I'll yell, 'Homo!' She can't get pissed, and I still get the pleasure of yelling at her.
You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
I would say most comedians have a very cynical worldview of the way the world can work. It's almost like if you didn't, you couldn't be a comedian.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: "Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?"