Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 436
No, I don’t text her, "It was nice meeting you". I wait eight weeks and I text her, "What’s cracking?"
The bad news is that aliens have landed... the good news is that they pee gasoline.
The jokes now, it’s just more stories and personal experiences. And just talking about things that really happened. It’s just becoming more comfortable as a performer, sharing my opinions on things, or things that’ve happened to me. That’s where it’s really going.
Parents, just keep in mind that kids will always round off to the nearest obscenity.
If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.
I'd be like, 'Lady, get the hell away from me! You're old, you're gross... I'm sorry. I'm sure you were unbelievable back in the 20's, when you were doing the Charleston, making beer in your bathtub, but you're at least four decades past humpable. I'm sorry.'
It's always cool to meet people who can do things that you have no capacity to do.
Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: "What is that? Muffins!"
In comedy, looking back is more important than looking around at your contemporaries because they are too much influenced by the same time period as you are.
I have a problem, if the light goes on on TV and it blinks midnight, I don't know how to fix it.
I got into trouble a lot in school. They say you're a disturbance in class. You're a distraction, they're moving you around. You never really get rewarded in class for being funny. You're a disturbance. But the funny kid is often witty and clever and quick... they finally get a chance to express themselves when they get out of school.
We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right.