Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 436
I have a funny family, but none of them are remotely in show business.
Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.
My parenting style could be described as not "good cop" or "bad cop" so much as "nervous cop." I'm always yelling for somebody to stop because they're about to get hurt. I'm the "take a jacket," "slow down" guy.
When you’re learning, sometimes you make mistakes that help you be successful. It can be, realizing, “Oh, I did this wrong” or “I wasn’t affiliated with the right people.” Those things make you better.
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
We didn't even think about it, you know? I used to collect laser discs, and you'd have some college professor analyzing It's a Wonderful Life or Citizen Kane, and now it is pretty funny - the idea of commentary for a silly kid's movie, you know?
You know the economy is bad when illegals start complaining that Americans are taking their jobs.
Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner..."
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"
The bad news is that aliens have landed... the good news is that they pee gasoline.
People ask me all the time, all the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, "Bo, you’re an artist… how do we fix Africa?"
I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.