Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 434

What's your name again? That's right. I'm so glad you know your name.

Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.

Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.

Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.

And two balls minus one, six titles at the tour de France.

So drug dealers don't find it funny when you ask for a receipt?

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

There would be nothing to get me to run for president. I don't even understand how anyone would want that job at all. Although I would be able to play golf which I don't seem to have time now.

Bristol Palin came in third in 'Dancing with the Stars.' Sarah Palin is not at all happy with the decision - she's already planning to refudiate it.

Hello?... No I'm sorry no Shaquita here. Well what number did you dial?.. No it's a nine not a seven.. Well try it if it doest work call me back we'll figure this thing out.

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

Nobody ever went broke telling the American public to fuck themselves.

The thing that cracks me up the most about male strippers is, they’re always in policemen’s uniforms and firemen’s uniforms. ‘Cause they say that women like a man in uniform. No, no, it’s not about the uniform, okay? We like men with jobs. You will never see a male stripper come out with pajama pants on, holding a video game controller and a pop-tart.

I said, 'That's the wrong drink.' And he said, 'Sorry, dude, I'm tired.' And I was like, 'Have a frickin' coffee, man. That's why I'm here.'

I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.