Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 434

So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for fuck all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard.

Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.

A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it’s income from a giant mouse.

We thought O.J. was a fluke. Turns out O.J. was a trend setter! Since then, O.J., Peterson, Robert Blake, who got off on the "I couldn't have shot her, I left my gun the restaurant" defense.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

People don't know how to behave in public anymore.

Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, "Oh, he's good."

I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.

She doesn't need a steak knife. Rona Barrett cuts her food with her tongue.

The fact that they let me in a movie with Gene Hackman has left me with no faith in show buisness.

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. "Don't answer!"

My wife gets mad because we'll be in the middle of something and I'll stop and say, 'No, I've got to write this down!' She'll say, 'No! We're in a discussion!' I say, 'I know, but it's hilarious!'

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.