Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 434

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

I would say most comedians have a very cynical worldview of the way the world can work. It's almost like if you didn't, you couldn't be a comedian.

What’s the difference between a jazz guitarist and a pepperoni pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.

We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it.

I hate all generalisations.

You might be a redneck if you consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

My main point is to be funny; if I can slip a message in there, fine.

If I'd only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with a hundred million dollars.

You know what. I didn’t ask to be here... Sue my mother. She is the one who had the fucking goal to create life without it’s consent.

Jesus is a powerful guy in Hollywood. Not quite as powerful as Vin Diesel, but powerful.

Some days I think I look kind of cute, but other days I try to avoid the mirror.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

And we love to dance, especially that new one called the Civil War Twist. The Northern part of you stands still while the Southern part tries to secede.

I have two skateboards, but I don't get to use them much. I have a snowboard, which I've never used.

Do you remember that politician who died with the fishnet tights and all that? Aw, his poor family. I wonder how they dress him in the coffin?