Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 434
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
Even when I was a little kid, I always said I would be in the movies one day, and damned if I didn't make it.
Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They're busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities.
Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
Everybody goes through a lot of the same things, and I talk about those, and that's the key. You have to connect with your audience, and I might take them on a trip with me, tell them I went here and I went there and they'll go with me, you know, to hear the stories.
How come we got the grumpy boat of bandy-legged Puritans? How come we didn't get the Italian party boat with the cappuccino makers and the gelato machine? That was the sexy boat, man.
I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.
We thought O.J. was a fluke. Turns out O.J. was a trend setter! Since then, O.J., Peterson, Robert Blake, who got off on the "I couldn't have shot her, I left my gun the restaurant" defense.
Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um – they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right? There's another 90 percent of our brains that we have to illuminate.
I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.
I can kill a dog in six ways. Five of them are throwing missiles at it.
Regarding love… what can you say? It’s not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It’s the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it.
I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.