Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 437

I'm happy to be making my first appearance on air professionally. By that I mean I'm finally getting paid, which I know will be a great relief to my creditors.

You know what I'm great at? Trivial Pursuit. What good is that gonna do you in life? It has the word 'trivial' in the name. The game is basically telling you that you pursue trivial things. Trivial - as in not important. Trivial - as in maybe you should've gone to grad school.

I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse.

I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people.

I pride myself on never using a cuss word on stage. Ever. I headline in Las Vegas every year, and this summer I am performing on an Alaskan cruise. Not too many comedians can pull that off. Funny thing is, my show doesn’t change for Vegas.

Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.

The question is, ‘how bad at sports were you as a kid?’ I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren’t tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers…

It always helps to think about other people instead of ourselves.

You know you're too high when you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, 'Put your clothes on,' and then you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some woman on a bus.

One of the first things you ever learn as a stand-up is don't show fear.

I know you think I'm crazy. I go into a different room and I actually felt like it takes me to a better place, positive instead of negative.

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.

I can't be funny if my feet don't feel right.

So I think if you're happy with your brain, you're powerful.