Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 437

Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.

I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses; the whole time the guy was chewing me out, all I could think was "I should cut my bangs."

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

As a comedian, I have the gift of looking at something a bit differently and making it funny. I’m not sure why I can do that, but that’s as simple as I can put it.

I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.

No one cares, no one sympathsizes, you just stay home and play synthisizers.

Animals in the wild are lean, and I think we should be too.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

If you judge a person by the company they keep, then I'm retarded.

Everyone has their personal topics. My comedy has always been very strong on observational humor, it stems from what I see every day in my life.

...thanks to our fear of death in this country I won’t have to die. I’ll “pass away.” Or I’ll “expire” – like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital they’ll call it a “terminal episode.” The insurance company will refer to it as “negative patient care outcome.” And if it’s the result of malpractice they’ll say it was a “therapeutic misadventure.” I’m telling ya, some of this language makes me want to vomit. Well, maybe not vomit. It makes we want to engage in an “involuntary personal protein spill.”

There’s a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didn’t say, “I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole.”

But I thought, what could I do in a teeny way - and believe me, it's a teeny way - to defuse this? There had to be some way to separate the 1.5 billion people who don't want to kill us from the 100,000 or so who do. I thought if I could get five Muslims and six Hindus and maybe 3 Jews to laugh for 90 minutes, then I've accomplished something.

'You look slinky,' I said to her at the top of the stairs.

I was a class clown.