Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 437
To be diagnosed was the hardest thing because I didn't know what they were talking about... And the doctor said, "Don't worry, in three months you'll know." So I went about my business and then, one day, it jumped me. I couldn't get up... Your muscles trick you; they did me.
Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking. It's nothing to brag about.
We didn't even think about it, you know? I used to collect laser discs, and you'd have some college professor analyzing It's a Wonderful Life or Citizen Kane, and now it is pretty funny - the idea of commentary for a silly kid's movie, you know?
You know the economy is bad when illegals start complaining that Americans are taking their jobs.
I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.
I want to get away from it all. Move to the sticks. Montana. Hundreds of miles from civilization. Get a cabin in the snow. Curl up with some cute girl. Say stuff to her like, "Scream all you want, sugar. Ain’t nobody gonna hear you!"
Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.
Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner..."
The bad news is that aliens have landed... the good news is that they pee gasoline.
People ask me all the time, all the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, "Bo, you’re an artist… how do we fix Africa?"
I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.
Most Americans have so much crap, that you could lose most of it and still have way more stuff than the average Canadian.
I talk to myself a lot. That bothers some people because I use a megaphone.