Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 437

It's nobody's business how you do something.

My main point is to be funny; if I can slip a message in there, fine.

I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well... like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!

I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy.

You know the economy is bad when illegals start complaining that Americans are taking their jobs.

Do no touch my TV, my CD, my DVD, my VHS, my old school, my new school. Got it?

Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.

I want to get away from it all. Move to the sticks. Montana. Hundreds of miles from civilization. Get a cabin in the snow. Curl up with some cute girl. Say stuff to her like, "Scream all you want, sugar. Ain’t nobody gonna hear you!"

It is the best part of the night. The classic interactive lines are 'Where are you from? What do you do for a living?' I almost always get something interesting.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

Only a ginger can call another ginger "ginger".

I have two skateboards, but I don't get to use them much. I have a snowboard, which I've never used.

I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny.

Seriously, you don't have to know English. It'd be nice, a nice little plus. We don't want miracles. You don't have to know the country's language. But just some shapes, that's all. A square. A little geometry.

Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways.