Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 449

Do no touch my TV, my CD, my DVD, my VHS, my old school, my new school. Got it?

I've always wondered, what am I going to do that's important with these stupid jokes that I tell.

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.

How many presidents, do you think, ever said to another guy: ‘I can’t believe we’re doing this in the White House’?

I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.

When I walk into that (Sears) Craftsman tool department, my nipples get rock-hard!

Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We're the ones getting robbed.

Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.

Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?

I hated my last boss. He asked, "Why are you two hours late?" I said, "I fell downstairs." He said, "That doesn't take two hours."

You know the only thing you can do to stop your man from cheating? The only thing you can do … is be there. Where? There! Wherever he's thinking about fucking, that's it. Just be right there. And even then he still might lose your ass. He's like, "Honey, look! A Sale! Let me go fuck this bitch right now!"

It's definitely a relief that it's over. It's been a long season for us, with ups and downs. But we're going to put it behind us now and we've got to try and be a better team.

Bitches and hoes don't exist because the hoes know Bo's a feminist.

I was working recently in London - what a thrill, yeah. But I wasn't used to their money, though, 'cause I bought this really decadent box of chocolates - the cashier said, 'That'll be 10 pounds.' I'm like, 'Rub it in, why don't you?'

I think the more you do this and the more comfortable you become on stage, you start speaking more and becoming more of a character in yourself.