Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 449

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. "Don't answer!"

John Kerry speaks French fluently. Democrats are saying he's one in a million. A war hero who speaks French, isn't it more like one in a trillion?

Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.

If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.

We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.

You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television.

And to answer the question that people have about this conspiracy theory that he has a pack in his back, my answer is, if someone was feeding him answers, couldn't they be able to feed him better ones than he came up with?

Ever set your hair on fire? Me too! And not the hair on my head. Oh, shall we not go to the gutter so quickly? It was the hair on my arms. I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, "Oh, he is that stupid."

It was like a family reunion, watching the movie. It's always a good feeling when I can get a screening for my family.

I wanna open up a maternity shop and call it "We're fucked".

We go to school to learn to communicate, but all the teachers say to us is "shut up!"

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Heard on the radio this morning about a guy who walked into a bank and presented a teller with a note that read "I have a gun. Give me all your money. Bang." The teller gave him the money and he walked out of the bank. He was caught only a short while later. Why? He had written the note on the back of his parole card.

I was working recently in London - what a thrill, yeah. But I wasn't used to their money, though, 'cause I bought this really decadent box of chocolates - the cashier said, 'That'll be 10 pounds.' I'm like, 'Rub it in, why don't you?'