Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 450
Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.
Don't talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!
You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television.
Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.
Stop saying you’re not racist because you have a friend that’s black. That’s like saying you’re not a pedophile because you have a friend that’s a kid.
I don't dislike children, I just don't particularly want to be around with them a lot. Problem is, neither do their parents.
Ahhh, where is my face?! I lost so much face on that show, I don't even exist anymore!
A “Nerd” is someone who homes in on a topic to an almost quantum detail, much of the time at the expense of healthy social interaction.
Sometimes they give you their name when you call information. It's like, 'Thanks for calling 411. This is Wanda, may I help you?' You're gonna go, 'Wanda Matzger from Verona High School in New Jersey?' 'No.' 'Oh, OK. That would have been really weird. Sorry.'
I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
It's the hand job of cereals 'cause it's like, 'This is pretty good, but you know what I really want.'
I have a funny family, but none of them are remotely in show business.
I think the metric by which television is considered liberal is literally based on the metric of liberalism in each person's soul. Peoples' senses of humor tend to go about as far as their ideology.