Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 450
Ladies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment. Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game and just ask as many fucking questions as possible. 'I don't understand, who's that guy in the striped shirt? Does he work at Foot Locker? I don't understand, why are they all wearing the same outfit? When are we going to have a baby?' Eventually he will shoot himself in the face, and you fucking win that argument.
The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.
I was totally involved in Bobby's World from the time we started the idea to sitting with the artists on how he would look, to the script meetings, the music, the lyrics, the songs.
I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?
I work for a few at home who are devoted. People who are up now. Either they have some sort of bladder problem or they're extremely drunk. This is my crowd, these are the people I hope to get.
I feel like this is a dream - and I apologize for how I dressed some of you.
It is hard to quit smoking. Every one of them looks real good to me right about now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's pussy.
Few, very few, will ever be able to craft a joke as beautifully as Pat. He was able to just make it all happen. I don't think he was great at telling them, but he was sure great at putting them down.
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
When I walk into that (Sears) Craftsman tool department, my nipples get rock-hard!
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
Every single man in this room has crapped his pants. There is not a man in here that has not done that. Sometimes we don't even know when it happens. Sometimes we take off our underwear and go, 'Oh my God, where did that come from?' That's where the term 'holy shit' comes from.
The last jobs I had were fixing cars and covering football games for a local access TV station. As in driving the mobile van to the field, setting up 3 cameras, teaching depressed grownups and interns how to use them and directing the game from the van and then wanting to kill myself.