Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 450
Always been a big heavy metal fan. I remember being 15 saying, "Dude I'm going to love heavy metal forever. Heavy metal til I'm 60." I'm 35 now. I think I'm going to give it one more year.
No touching… Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people’s fingers.
You work your butt off and somebody says you can't have your record played because it offends them. Tyrants are made of such stuff.
At home we ate fish every Friday, as Catholics were then supposed to do. Being Jewish, I compromised. I wore a hat when I ate fish, out of respect for my own religion and the fish's family.
There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.
Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.
You can have a film and have 200 white people working on it, and nobody finds anything wrong with that. But if you insist on having a black crew, all of a sudden there`s something wrong.
I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.
The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, "it's so full of dreams." Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.