Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 450
Death, is good. If it's someone you don't like. Oh, c'mon! Vlad the impaler, I mean Hitler's dead, woohoo! No matter heinous someone is, remember, there's always a chance that deputy from Barstow will find their body in the desert rolled up in charred carpet.
I don't need to be redundant to the gay community about what's wrong and what isn't happening for them.
When I worked in clubs, I had to be alert until 2, maybe 3 in the morning. I found it best to sleep during the daytime.
I think the metric by which television is considered liberal is literally based on the metric of liberalism in each person's soul. Peoples' senses of humor tend to go about as far as their ideology.
In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.
L.A. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving 'cause it interferes with my drinking.
The most unusual salesman I ever met is a fellow who made a modest fortune purveying lightning rods. But he suddenly lost interest in his work. He got caught in a storm with a bunch of samples in his arms.
Well, you can huff... and you can puff... and... oh my god! I'm making a pig joke out of myself!
Ours is a youth culture, and like a golf tournament, we honor only low scores.
Wonder why it is your underarms stink. Did it ever come in handy? Did you ever say "Well thank God my underarms stunk! He came out of the bushes and I said Get back! I've been to aerobics!"
Listen, you don't know any better so I'll just tell you. You can't try to save money by not having the right beer. You know, you can skip having medical insurance, you can buy everything you own at a swap meet but the right beer is what makes living like this possible.