Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 450
Why would you die for someone's sins? Your sins are the only thing interesting about you, you dreary, bleak motherfuckers.
Comedy is the drug, when they laugh it's like I'm a jazz musician and they hear it, and they get it. It's power to take the crowd wherever I want them to go. I love it when they laugh, especially when they relate through laughter. It's a beautiful thing. It also means I'm going to get paid, which is nice.
For me, a breakup changed my entire life. I was a mess. I really got rocked, and I ended up turning it into a positive thing.
Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We're the ones getting robbed.
Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?
I hated my last boss. He asked, "Why are you two hours late?" I said, "I fell downstairs." He said, "That doesn't take two hours."
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."
If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
I'd be like, 'Lady, get the hell away from me! You're old, you're gross... I'm sorry. I'm sure you were unbelievable back in the 20's, when you were doing the Charleston, making beer in your bathtub, but you're at least four decades past humpable. I'm sorry.'
Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways.
The problem is that we live in an uptight country. Why don't we just laugh at ourselves? We are funny. Gays are funny. Straights are funny. Women are funny. Men are funny. We are all funny, and we all do funny things. Let's laugh about it.
Things will get easier, people's minds will change, and you should be alive to see it.