Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 474

There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is dead!

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.

I ain't never been in no cell that had a phone in it. Can I stay for a while? I ordered some pizza.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

We're afraid to move on, that's why there's so much nostalgia on the internet... 'cause we don't wanna look forward, that's scary.

That's why modern corporate movie making has become so laborious that comedians are kind of kicked out by 50.

I wanna open up a maternity shop and call it "We're fucked".

One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; it's Shake Shack, the burger place. I miss Shake Shack.

I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I'm not trying to make headlines. I'm just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I loved work and I loved pouring myself into the work, you know. It was the real life that I had trouble with.

There's a God force inside of you that gives you a will to live.

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.