Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 474

All I did was tell the truth. That's is what the whole show is about! And if "Politically Incorrect" has to go down for it, so be it!

In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"

I also smoke a lot of pot, occasionally, every day.

Maybe they should name more drugs cute things. I don’t do meth, but maybe if they called meth ‘Stefanie’ I would!

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate'. For me that would be a shroud.

I use profanity because I like profanity, but I’m not vulgar. Big difference. I love profanity because I really think profanity is cool.

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.

Remember me? The Macaulay Culkin of 1927.

You know, I've always wanted to be a young Charles Kuralt. I started in this business with just a Winnebago and a dream.

I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people.

Where I grew up… in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide… you know, everyone was too unhappy.

I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

I had one DWI, which was a bogus charge, because it turns out they were stopping every vehicle driving down that particular sidewalk. That’s profiling. And profiling is wrong.

Thomas Jefferson said, "The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." Yeah and I heard that and thought, "I'm out!"