Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 474

America will tolerate the taking of a human life without giving it a second thought. But don't misuse a household pet.

A new study says that working fewer hours can slow global warming. So you know what that means? President Obama's economic policy is also his climate change policy.

I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.

He looks and talks like he just fell off Edgar Bergen's lap.

What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."

Thanks for the shortest month, asses - and the coldest.

Cranberry Ale! Cranberry NUT CRUNCH FUCKING ALE! Cranberries and beer do not go together! One's for bladder infections, one's for getting DRUNK!

There is only what is and that's it. What should be is a dirty lie.

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.

There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is dead!

Joan Rivers, who said to Marcel Marceau, "Can we talk?" Never got a dinner!

Every imperfection you have as a man makes a sound as it knifes through satin sheets.

I was 12 years old when I had my first job, delivering packages.

The next time you see a ‘hybrid’ car with a baby seat in it, smash the fucking windows out of that car, fight club style, steal the baby seat, leave a condom where the baby seat was and see if you send a message. 'Cause that's every sanctimonious cunt that thinks that they're part of the solution, when they're exact problem.