Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 474
If God didn't want men to hunt, he wouldn't have given him plaid shirts.
She's always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she's like, 'You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.' I was like, 'Oh my god, who cares, right?' I mean it is weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, "it's so full of dreams." Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
We have white people problems in America. You know what that is? That’s when your life is amazing, so you just make stuff up to get worried about.
They tell me now that SpongeBob is gay. SquarePants is not gay. Tight pants maybe. SpongeBob Hot Pants? You go, girl!
One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. That's how you know it didn't go as you planned.
There's this new device you can buy for your car and it's got a keyless device and you press it, it's got a heartbeat detector on it. So you aim it at your car, you press it, if it flashes that means someone is in your car and they're going to kill you, all right? It's not going to be good -- so you press it. If you want to buy it it's like $550. If you do not have that money you can do the old school route which is just look in the window.
Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.
I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.