Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 474

That's where the money is, on the road.

Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an odor-eater.

I was a mother's boy.

I lied to my shrink today. I told her the truth.

Hollywood isn't your cesspool, America. It's your mirror.

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

Playing Xbox for 23 hours straight is cool and all, but I’m going to teach you how to spend time on things in your life that will get you the following two things: paid and laid.

There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is dead!

Joan Rivers, who said to Marcel Marceau, "Can we talk?" Never got a dinner!

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, you know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

I should just keep my mouth shut, but I can’t… because I’m so fucking funny.

I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

Terry was so angry; she kept saying we have to meet with these people at parent-teacher conferences. But in the midst of this anger, I realized there's something funny about the way these pieces affect my life, and I realized there was a show in this, a hybrid where you could see the hidden cameras juxtaposed with this normal domestic life that I lead.

If I have to be a monotheist, y’know pick one, I’m picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.