Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 480
Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a beer and some meatballs.
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
I rewrote it and I took all your notes. Read it again, that kind of persistence paid off.
After a while, a joke, if you say it too much, just becomes contrived, or fake-sounding.
I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.
I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else... I never lied better.
You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is good or bad. You just do what you think is funny, and either it works or you're finished. It's impossible to predict anything.
Okay, I got no car, I got no money, and I'm gonna end the day off with this goddamn dope man's Uzi by my temple! Thank you, Jack! Look, this is Jack's day, why don't you just let Jack shoot me? Save your bullet! Jack, why don't you shoot me? Shoot me, Jack!
When I go to bed, I've got so much grease on my body, I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.
When we say we want you to get in touch with your feminine side, we really mean you need to touch our clit.
Terry was so angry; she kept saying we have to meet with these people at parent-teacher conferences. But in the midst of this anger, I realized there's something funny about the way these pieces affect my life, and I realized there was a show in this, a hybrid where you could see the hidden cameras juxtaposed with this normal domestic life that I lead.
My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
Whether you're black or white, Uzbeki or Jew... you're probably an asshole too.