Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 480
I use profanity because I like profanity, but I’m not vulgar. Big difference. I love profanity because I really think profanity is cool.
Ice-T is so old that the first thing he bought with the money from his album sales was his freedom.
You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went "wait, don't curse".
I'm not sure if my parents had me because they loved me, or because they wanted someone to watch their other children.
What I never understand about a hangover is, where does the breath come from? You know what I mean? I mean, is someone shitting in your mouth?
The first Presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.
My parents were very protective of me. Whenever I went to cross the street, they would get very excited and start making bets.
Bill Paley is not only the greatest boss I ever had, but he's the most brilliant, honest and warm human being I've ever met. And I'll say that to his face - even if it costs me my job.
Wonder why it is your underarms stink. Did it ever come in handy? Did you ever say "Well thank God my underarms stunk! He came out of the bushes and I said Get back! I've been to aerobics!"
I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
The pamphlet uses my name, my likeness, my 'shtick' (if you will), and my very act, which is derived from my personality, to attract attention and converts.