Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 480

This documentary is so sexy, it puts the sex back in quantum phy-sex.

The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents - 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, "Pop, 35 years - what do you hope for?" He's like, "I hope you die first."

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I want to tell you about a woman I have been married to for ten years, my wife, Ann, who speaking truthfully, saved me from myself. Who saved me from destroying myself because of my background. Who saved me from wasting my life, drinking my life away, never fulfilling my dreams because of what I had come from, and truly believing and loving - truly the first person to ever truthfully, unconditionally love me.

Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself.

He has a great sense of humor - but it's in his assembly. It's really his craftsmanship that people overlook. It's not being fair to him just calling him outrageous.

People expect me to do the classics, and it is a lot like playing a favorite song.

I always make fun of KISS because I don't particularly think their music is anything.

My husband is so useless that it’s hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, "If you love me, blink your eyes."

[Talking about her husband Doug] He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want...

Thanks for the shortest month, asses - and the coldest.

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

This guy was so large, he had his own climate.

Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.

At least drug dealers have some integrity. There is no integrity when it comes to entertainment.