Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 480
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate'. For me that would be a shroud.
With comedians, you have that understanding that we're trying to get laughs.
If a tree falls on your head in a forest and no one hears it, it still hurts.
The Comedy Store - all three rooms were filled with 800 people in the room. And during that time, all these guys and some women, but mostly guys who weren't funny were doing stand up for a living; they weren't accountants, they were making $30-$50 grand a year on the road, or more.
I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it’s wrong.
We're in the process of remodeling our house; we've been doing it for a while now. And we have the painters in, putting sheets up around the furniture, you know? And we have a piano, just a regular, up against the wall piano. One of the painters said to me, "Is that y'all's piano?" I said, "Nah, that's our coffee table, it just has buckteeth!" Here's your sign!
I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?
Man, what a rough night I had. My inflatable girlfriend ran off with my air matress.
People say get a job doing something you love. So far no one has offered to hire me to eat Whoppers with a switchblade.
Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.