Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 480
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
All my friends, all they do is drink and smoke - all they do, all day - but they're sensitive. Like after 9/11, they thought they was patriotic, you know. They telling me what their military strategy was gonna be the next day with a joint in they mouth. 'Yo son, we gonna knock them dudes out. That's my word, son.' I'm like, 'What dudes?' 'Them dudes from Assgan, son!'
I have Glocks, .45s, Berettas, Remingtons. I like the marksmanship and the discipline that it takes to be a gun owner. I like the machinery. Being able to take it out and clean it is even more fascinating than having the gun.
The TV news people keep saying that this could be the greatest Christmas we ever had. I kind of thought the first one was.
Success? You can't get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, 'That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible.'
I can work as a writer, but I wanted to do stand-up. And I knew I could, at worst, work as a stand-up. And I like to travel, and I knew I wanted to do an hour special, so in order to get ready for that, I had to hit the road.
What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority...
I like my mom's cooking a little better than my girlfriend's. But I don't tell my girlfriend that. I tell my girlfriend her cooking sucks.
The world makes you into a bitch, no matter how quietly you go, so you may as well go kicking and screaming.
Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, "How's it going with that girl?" "One day at a time, man."