Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 488
Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.
About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.'
Whether you're black or white, Uzbeki or Jew... you're probably an asshole too.
My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you’re using it?
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...
I had no problem going into retirement mode, ... I do what other retired guys do. I putter around the house and travel.
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
If you don't get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another.
Jewish people, we're repulsed by Hitler, but we're obsessed with him. If you ever want to rob a Jewish person's house, all you have to do is call them up and tell them there's a Hitler film festival down at the multiplex - watch them file out.
Remember that friend in High School, who wanted to make bongs out of everything? Making bongs out of apples and oranges and shit. One day you find your friend goin' "Hey look, man, I made a bong out of my head! Put the pot in this ear and suck it out of this one, go on take a hit!"
I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument, and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.