Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 488
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
My mum was crazy. And when you're the child of a mentally ill person you spend your entire life waiting for the other shoe to drop. Living in fear that you also might be mentally ill. And the only way to defeat that fear, is to face it head on. Now, the opposite of fear is not courage. It's faith. You got to have faith that you will never end up like your parents. You also got to have faith that you will kick that crazy Korean kids ass in the day room ping pong show down. That's right, Kim Cho. Bring it on, I got something for you. Okay. Okay. One, nothing. Kim is out of his mind, but he is really good.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.
I don’t want to be niche… I want to be as big as I can be. This album is not a rap album, I want to make pop. I don’t mean pop like Katy Perry, and I love that, I’ll play that shit at my wedding, but… Peter Gabriel’s pop, Hall & Oates was pop… but I want it to be real.
Some people see things that are and ask, why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
If God wanted you to eat Puerto Rican Food, he would have lined your stomach with Pepto Bismol.
It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.
Congress may be going home for the holidays soon. How can you beat a Christmas gift like that?