Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 488
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Gay people can't be proud of the country and want to defend it too. What's the army afraid is going to happen if gay people are in it. "Private, shoot that man!" "I can't, he's adorable."
Do you know? What the fuck do women want? l know what you want: everything.
If only someone would do for cows what Bambi did for deer. Cows have been in films, but they haven't starred. I'm still willing to eat a species that is only a supporting player.
You know, I've always wanted to be a young Charles Kuralt. I started in this business with just a Winnebago and a dream.
All my other relationships with men, there was so much maneuvering and strategic decisions and stuff.
Honestly, so much of my book is about the best things in my life have happened since I'm 40.
I'll probably never have children because I don't believe in touching people for any reason.
When I first started doing stand-up, I would be so nervous that I would just binge drink really heavily right before my sets, and as you can imagine, that had its drawbacks. But now I'm a professional, so I pace myself throughout the day.
A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
I went to school, you know. I was in grammar school. Once we were taking a test. I was copying this other kid’s paper, and I guess the teacher heard my Xerox machine. And she said, “Emo, am I stupid or were you cheating?” I said, “Ah, yes and no.”