Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 488
Here's the rule that I set for myself, and I believe it - even on a show like 'Curb Your Enthusiasm': the more personal you are, the wider your audience.
My wife said "I want to sell the house and buy a yacht". I said "What!? You do realise I live here? Comedian, Scottish guy. There's 3 kids over there, each have their own rooms. C'mon, I'll show you, they live here too."
Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humor from it would be exploitative.
I'm not a narcissistic vain comedian, but I like to tell a good story.
I'm street smart. You can't con me. But that's just from living in New York. Now if a guy came from Mississippi somewhere, Ohio somewhere, to New York City for the first time, he don't have the street smarts. You can take him.
I had really good hearing and when you're scared it gets heightened so you hear scratching noises or something.
After seven years of marriage, I'm sure of two things - first, never wallpaper together, and second, you'll need two bathrooms... both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.
How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't even know how the can opener works!