Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 489

If your belief is hateful towards people, I couldn’t respect that.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

Everything is awesome... Everything is cool when you're a part of a team...

In France, they're having trouble translating a lot of Internet terms into French. In France the law is you have to use French words. For example, there are no French words for surfing the Web, there aren't any French words for chat session, and there aren't any French words for hacker. Of course, a lot of other words don`t translate to French either: military victory, deodorant...

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

Without liberals we wouldn't have unions. We wouldn't have environmental protections. We wouldn't have seat belts or birth control or the ACLU! Any of these things!

Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol.

For a dummy, you make a lot of sense.

There are three goals for any comedian: to make a living as a comedian; I've been fortunate to do that. To make a name for yourself and to be famous would be great - because it would give me that freedom.

My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.

You know when a relationship goes bad, man. You can tell when it goes bad when the sexual fantasies start getting all dark and everything. I was in this relationship, and he was like, 'Come on, come on - what's your fantasy?' And I was like, 'Well, I woke up, and you were dead.'

Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.

I see guys dressing like they're in college - and they're not. I don't want to be that guy.

Entrepreneurs with disabilities are overwhelmingly successful.

At the risk bragging, one of the things I’m best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.