Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 489
This guy asked his doctor, 'Will I be able to play the piano after my operation?' And the doctor says 'Sure.' And the guy says, 'Funny, I couldn't do it before.'
He was in the air most of the time. On the air, in the air, one way or the other. It was his thing and this was his airport.
I go over to this other area where there's nobody around, and I got into this one thing, but I got into it wrong, apparently. I don't know where your arms and legs are supposed to go, so I just get in there and I just start moving stuff. This guy comes up: 'Hey buddy, would you mind getting out of the painters' scaffolding?'
Best job I ever had was working in the cleaners. That was a good job. I cried like a bitch when they fired me. They fired me for wearing other people's clothes.
I had really good hearing and when you're scared it gets heightened so you hear scratching noises or something.
Oh, get the fuck outta here! Just 'cause I'm a convict, every thin' that comes outta my mouth is a god damn lie?
Don't let morons judge you... Do what I do... I moronically judge myself first and get it over with... But on my watch.
My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you’re using it?
I had no problem going into retirement mode, ... I do what other retired guys do. I putter around the house and travel.
Comedy's a tough job, man. I've got friends who got cool jobs. One of my friends, he's a porno star. Guess how he got discovered? This girl sat on his lap, and she was like, 'Ooh, you should do porno!' Same girl sat on my lap and was like, 'Ooh, you should tell jokes!'
This documentary is so sexy, it puts the sex back in quantum phy-sex.
Gay people can't be proud of the country and want to defend it too. What's the army afraid is going to happen if gay people are in it. "Private, shoot that man!" "I can't, he's adorable."
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.