Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 489
I was very good at kickball... I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school.
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
San Francisco! City of dreaming spires, people live here... Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here.
I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, I wanna grow up and be a critic.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Best job I ever had was working in the cleaners. That was a good job. I cried like a bitch when they fired me. They fired me for wearing other people's clothes.
As a director and an actor, I encourage improvisation but in character and in the moment of what it is.
When I go to bed, I've got so much grease on my body, I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.
Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.
Remember Osama bin Laden? Public enemy number one. We gotta get bin Laden. Then the new season of 'American Idol' came on, we're like, 'Ah, forget it. Whatever.'