Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 489
Ever argue with a female and, in the middle of the argument, you no longer feel safe because of her actions? She may start pacing back and forth real fast, breathing out her nose. You know what my girl do? When she get mad, she start talking in the third person. That's scary as hell because that's her way of telling me that from this point on, she is not responsible for none of her actions.
You just have to keep driving down the road. It's going to bend and curve and you'll speed up and slow down, but the road keeps going.
I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally...erotically caressing each other...on the hood of a car...or the back of a movie theater...
I don't want to find the secret. I'm afraid all the joy will go out of it if I find the secret.
A lot of the hate mail I get is clearly misogynist. I am a proud liberal, feminist woman, and the hate mail I get about those three things is not about me. It's about those signifers, and about what the right in this country has managed to do to perpetuate anger over what they mean.
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
After a while, a joke, if you say it too much, just becomes contrived, or fake-sounding.
Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"
When I see guys in bars wearing the real fitted kind of Calvin Klein v-neck t-shirts I just want to go up to them and be like, 'Oh, do you work out? Your tricep looks so great - thank you.'
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Cranberry Ale! Cranberry NUT CRUNCH FUCKING ALE! Cranberries and beer do not go together! One's for bladder infections, one's for getting DRUNK!
Ice-T is so old that the first thing he bought with the money from his album sales was his freedom.