Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 490
On Thanksgiving, I visit the hospital and deep fry turkeys for the kids in the burn unit, just to see the looks on their "faces."
The only way I'd need a pain reliever to enjoy sex is if all of my fantasies came true at the same time.
If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.
'Winning' in Hollywood means not just power, money, and complimentary smoked-salmon pizza, but also that everyone around you fails just as you are peaking.
I like showing different types of comedy - showing that I could tell a story, or showing that I could do a one-liner, showing I could do stuff about music – so just trying to be versatile and talking about different topics.
If you don't get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another.
Is being earnest important? I always think it's kind of embarrassing.
Stand-up comedy - I love this job, and I gotta tell you, folks - knock wood - it's been working. 'Cause I was one of those kind of people, even when I had a regular job, I couldn't even call in sick right. You know, I was like, 'Hello? Yeah, I can't come in today. I have scurvy.'
People expect me to do the classics, and it is a lot like playing a favorite song.
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist... who cares, the tits are out.
You just have to keep driving down the road. It's going to bend and curve and you'll speed up and slow down, but the road keeps going.
They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.