Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 490

The Comedy Store - all three rooms were filled with 800 people in the room. And during that time, all these guys and some women, but mostly guys who weren't funny were doing stand up for a living; they weren't accountants, they were making $30-$50 grand a year on the road, or more.

You might be a redneck if you consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

I'm a Sagittarian, see, I can't be fenced in. I been living in Las Vegas, greatest city in the world. I look out my window for 100 miles. In Vegas, there's nothing to do but gamble, drink or have sex. I have two of 'em.

For a dummy, you make a lot of sense.

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

What’s an archive, son? Is that anything like a closet?

I feel bad for people who have never been addicted to anything, because they're the real losers. You want to know why? Because they don't know what it's like to really want something -- and then get it again and again and again.

That’s why when I talk to younger comics, and they say, ‘Well I need this and this, and I need so and so,’ I tell them they don’t need nothing. All you need is some great idea and go shoot it.

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me - I don't have a lifestyle.

I immediately fire back to them; I write 'sysph.' And they write back and go, 'What does sysph mean?' And I write back, 'Shut your stinking pie hole.'

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.

You rarely hear anyone use the word "pancreas" in a not-horrible context.

Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.