Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 490
Comedy's a tough job, man. I've got friends who got cool jobs. One of my friends, he's a porno star. Guess how he got discovered? This girl sat on his lap, and she was like, 'Ooh, you should do porno!' Same girl sat on my lap and was like, 'Ooh, you should tell jokes!'
They hate us in other countries. Because we’re arrogant. We don’t know the name of nobody else’s president. Other countries know G.W. (Bush) They know him. But why they hate us because we don’t know and we don’t care. Because they’ll be like, “Hey, do you know the name of my countries leader?” <br /> And you’ll be like, “No.”<br /> “Well, his name..”<br /> “No. Don’t tell me that. I don’t want to hear that.”
If only someone would do for cows what Bambi did for deer. Cows have been in films, but they haven't starred. I'm still willing to eat a species that is only a supporting player.
Nothing good about the sun if you're trying to watch television with out curtains.
All my other relationships with men, there was so much maneuvering and strategic decisions and stuff.
Kathy Bates is sexy. It's partly because of her talent, but she's got a great face, and a great laugh.
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard – after that he went downhill very quickly.
I hate when people ask me the time on the street 'cause something happens to me. I just panic. I can't read my watch. When I'm alone, I'm great at reading my watch, but when someone asks me, I just have this anxiety attack, and I just can't make it out... I always end up saying something useless, like, 'It's 20 of 9:40.'
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
If somebody pisses me off and I understand it ain't personal then I'll go to another place and I'll meditate.
There is a slim difference between putting on a condom and fucking a balloon.
When my woman kisses me I start dancing like James Brown. Ow! I Feel Good!