Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 490
If only someone would do for cows what Bambi did for deer. Cows have been in films, but they haven't starred. I'm still willing to eat a species that is only a supporting player.
Nothing good about the sun if you're trying to watch television with out curtains.
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.
All my other relationships with men, there was so much maneuvering and strategic decisions and stuff.
Honestly, so much of my book is about the best things in my life have happened since I'm 40.
I'll probably never have children because I don't believe in touching people for any reason.
I buy about $1,500 worth of papers every month. Not that I trust them. I'm looking for the crack in the fabric.
Mad cow disease, monkey pox, bird flu, mosquito viruses - did the animal kingdom have a meeting? "Who here is tired of being food and clothing? ... Cows, get on it... Moo!"
Kathy Bates is sexy. It's partly because of her talent, but she's got a great face, and a great laugh.
I went to school, you know. I was in grammar school. Once we were taking a test. I was copying this other kid’s paper, and I guess the teacher heard my Xerox machine. And she said, “Emo, am I stupid or were you cheating?” I said, “Ah, yes and no.”
All I did was tell the truth. That's is what the whole show is about! And if "Politically Incorrect" has to go down for it, so be it!
I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!