Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 491
I know who wasn't black - I don't care what nobody say - Noah was not black. Noah and his family couldn't have been black 'cause there's no way no black family was on no boat for 40 days and 40 nights and didn't eat them two chickens.
Sometimes you can make friends, and sometimes you can take friends. Sometimes people want to be friends with you, and you gotta be like, 'Okay, I can deal with this person's personality and be their friend, but not necessarily do I have to change who I am. I'm not gonna change myself to be their friend.'
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
Oh, get the fuck outta here! Just 'cause I'm a convict, every thin' that comes outta my mouth is a god damn lie?
Our date-nightrule is no talking about the kids. That lasts about to the end of the driveway.
Why did the 14-year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.
I had no problem going into retirement mode, ... I do what other retired guys do. I putter around the house and travel.
Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.
The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. "Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?"
Bill Paley is not only the greatest boss I ever had, but he's the most brilliant, honest and warm human being I've ever met. And I'll say that to his face - even if it costs me my job.
If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.