Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 491

Go pump some neurons. Expand your craniums.

There is a slim difference between putting on a condom and fucking a balloon.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Stand-up is the kind of gig that'll show you where you're at.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Best job I ever had was working in the cleaners. That was a good job. I cried like a bitch when they fired me. They fired me for wearing other people's clothes.

And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you are superman.

My grandmother used to discipline me, I mean, beat my ass, and I deserved them, too.

I never thought about being famous.

I got my lips chewed off by a dingo!

If God wanted you to eat Puerto Rican Food, he would have lined your stomach with Pepto Bismol.

First of all never buy a man a plasma TV until youre married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don't need a girlfriend.

When we say we want you to get in touch with your feminine side, we really mean you need to touch our clit.

When I want to see the people I grew up with, most of the time I just go to the morgue.

Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances.