Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 491

There's something about doing stand-up that's cathartic.

I never thought about being famous.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I don’t consider myself a stand-up comedian. I consider myself a performer; a comic as opposed to stand-up comedian. Stand-up comedians stand there and do their bits; I break every rule in creation. If there’s a rule that can be broken in stand-up, I’ll do it.

The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.

Jason Alexander is a committed actor, he went from working on a show about nothing to actually doing nothing.

Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minuet bodies.

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Our Christmas tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

You must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all.

I decided sitcoms weren't for me.

I love doing stand-up, because it gives me the freedom to say what I really want to say. I think that's why it's my favorite thing to do.

Gay people can't be proud of the country and want to defend it too. What's the army afraid is going to happen if gay people are in it. "Private, shoot that man!" "I can't, he's adorable."

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.