Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 491
You know when a relationship goes bad, man. You can tell when it goes bad when the sexual fantasies start getting all dark and everything. I was in this relationship, and he was like, 'Come on, come on - what's your fantasy?' And I was like, 'Well, I woke up, and you were dead.'
I am saddened by how people treat one another and how we are so shut off from one another and how we judge one another, when the truth is, we are all one connected thing. We are all from the same exact molecules.
At the risk bragging, one of the things I’m best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.
I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!"
I don't laugh at me. I used to. I used to get the giggles when I'd see myself. But now, I see myself onscreen, and I sure don't laugh.
I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
My neighbor says being gay is biological. And the reason she gives is she says, “I knew I was gay since I was five years old.” Five. I don’t know about you, but when I was five, I’d fuck a guy, fuck a girl, fuck a guy, fuck a girl. I was all over the map. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I didn’t figure that out until I was nine.
I just jot jokes down as I think of them, and then add them to the act the next time I’m on stage. Jokes are never really “done,” because each time you perform them you can add words or nuances that weren’t there before.
I guess he wanted to see a little more sexual activity because in real life, in bed I think less is more and let the woman come to me. Frankly, I don't even need a woman there.
You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.
The most impressive thing about President Obama's State of the Union speech last night was that he did the whole thing without a single drink of water.
I do have hair; the hair is just not everywhere. I realize it's really just at the holes: my nose, my ears, my butt. I'm like a tub: just sheer white porcelain, and then a clump of hair at the drain.
I do lots of other drugs but I smoke pot maybe 5-10 times a year now. I used to smoke it all the time, but I don't, and I haven't for awhile. That's just because it makes me - and I'm not saying this about everybody else - but it makes me kind of dumb and self-conscious.