Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 504
I listened to my first comedy album in 6th grade. It was Bill Cosby. My brother and I would play it over and over on a Fisher Price record player. A friend in high school also introduced me to Richard Pryor. I wasn’t writing material back then, but I would say funny stuff. I was good at making fun of people’s moms. If I knew something personal about you, it would be used against you.
As long as I don't end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I'm happy.
I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
I find it ironic that people who are against things that cause sexual thoughts are generally fundamentalist Christians who also believe you should be fruitful and multiply.
People don't admire you for what you hate, they admire you for what you do about it, and your slacks.
I’m a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it.
I was driving down the highway and I saw a sign that said: Live Nude Girls. And I was thinking, you probably don't need the 'live.' I wasn't even thinking about the girls' mortality until you brought it up.
That’s the one thing I have over any twenty-one-year-old: a proud history of accumulated neuroses. That's the game in which I'm da man.
The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.
I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.
We have white people problems in America. You know what that is? That’s when your life is amazing, so you just make stuff up to get worried about.