Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 504
I love doing stand-up, because it gives me the freedom to say what I really want to say. I think that's why it's my favorite thing to do.
Rise and grind... the money ain't gonna wait for you while you sleep son.
The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, "Soon you'll be able to have sex." I said, "I've heard that for years."
I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.
That’s when you know you’re a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.
I was lucky I wasn't a better boxer, or that's what I'd be now - a punchy ex-pug.
This report found out that more British people died, proportionally, than American people on that boat because they discovered that, at that point in history, British people were more polite while Americans were, and I quote, more assertive. But don't feel guilty when you imagine your ancestors elbowing mine out of the way.
I would like it if men had to partake in the same hormonal cycles to which we’re subjected monthly. Maybe that’s why men declare war so often, they have this need to bleed on a regular basis.
Some people come up to me and say "You know, in Italy, it's pronounced Ber-beel-lia" And I say "Well, here in America, you're annoying..."
I had one kid with the birth control pill, I had one with the diaphram and I had one with the I.U.D. I don’t even know what happened with my I.U.D. It never came out. But I have my suspicions because that kid picks up HBO.
Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me?<br /> Murray: A little, around the eyes.<br /> Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh?<br /> Murray: Well... she's got eyes.
It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you're caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove my point.