Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 504
I couldn't tell people what I wanted to do because I was from Atlanta. You don't tell people you're gonna be a comedian in Atlanta. That means you ain't gonna do nothing.
My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.
Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckng empty little heads off.
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
All my friends, all they do is drink and smoke - all they do, all day - but they're sensitive. Like after 9/11, they thought they was patriotic, you know. They telling me what their military strategy was gonna be the next day with a joint in they mouth. 'Yo son, we gonna knock them dudes out. That's my word, son.' I'm like, 'What dudes?' 'Them dudes from Assgan, son!'
The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one.
The thing is girls will always say you're lying when you say you had sex with them when you're lying about having sex with them.
I'm just saying, tonight, if you're going through a breakup and you're drinking, don't call. Just don't do it. Don't call. Because here's the thing: booze has information in it!
Finding a calm place inside myself through meditation kind of helped me to get over a lot of mental illness, it's just been a really great thing in my life.
I had one DWI, which was a bogus charge, because it turns out they were stopping every vehicle driving down that particular sidewalk. That’s profiling. And profiling is wrong.
The last president that anybody wanted to fuck was JFK. A woman president could be voted in if guys wanted to fuck her. If a female candidate with lots of sex appeal ever came along, her entire campaign could be “So vote for me and maybe I'll fuck ya”. She'd win by a landslide 'cause guys will do anything to get laid.