Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 504

I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally...erotically caressing each other...on the hood of a car...or the back of a movie theater...

It's always fun to be able to have a voice, because it helps me to stay in tune with the project and the people that I am working with. Ther's nothing worse than being on a project and not being able to have a voice. I don't like that.

Why are there braille dots on the keypads at drive up ATMs?

That's where the money is, on the road.

A technique I developed quite naturally to help me make smooth transitions was to use a word or phrase from the next routine in the preceding one.

I never had an aversion because I was active in the drama club. If I had that aversion I certainly wouldn't put myself in the position of being on stage. Of course, in the drama club you're hiding behind a character.

Cars and cameras are the two things I let myself be materialistic about. I don't care about other stuff.

Everybody's got a different sense of humor. It's just different styles.

Comedy is a very approval-oriented field.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.

Oh, get the fuck outta here! Just 'cause I'm a convict, every thin' that comes outta my mouth is a god damn lie?

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

For a dummy, you make a lot of sense.

We sat down and told stories that happened to us in our childhood, to our children. They were all basically based on the truth. These stories were funny and poignant to us. They just took off. These are all stories from my life.