Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 503
I think you know you're close to somebody if you can walk out of the bathroom and go, 'You don't want to go in there for a while.'
The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy for yourself and yourself.
They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.
I love running cross country... On a track, I feel like a hamster.
I cannot tell a joke. But I can do a situation, that it becomes a joke.
I rented a movie and I put it in the DVD player and before the movie starts, it says, “this film has been modified to fit your television.” Can you imagine if it wasn’t? All you’d see is like a knuckle.
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
Men don't realize that if were sleeping with them on the first date, were probably not interested in seeing them again either.
My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mum was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play a father/son games. Pin the blame on me, rock, paper, get me another beer, casino night.
Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
That would get on my damn nerve: I'm up in my house; the ghost's like, 'Get out. Get out.' I say, 'I heard you, you son of a bitch. Why you didn't say that shit when I was just looking at the house? Now they got my damn deposit; I done unpacked. You want me to get out? You get my goddamn deposit back. You pack all this shit, and you pay for the U-Haul.'
Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.
There's a big difference between the National Book Awards and the Academy Awards. At the Academy Awards you can feel the greed and envy and ego. Whereas the National Book Awards are in New York.