Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 503
I never know what I'm going to say as I walk up to the microphone. I try to be in the moment. I try to go deeper into myself. I discover things on stage that I don't discover off stage about me.
I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
San Francisco! City of dreaming spires, people live here... Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.
I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.
Some people see things that are and ask, why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
Once you're heterosexual and comfortable with that, you don't need to take out an announcement every day.
First of all never buy a man a plasma TV until youre married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don't need a girlfriend.
If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you’ve lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.
I don’t consider myself a stand-up comedian. I consider myself a performer; a comic as opposed to stand-up comedian. Stand-up comedians stand there and do their bits; I break every rule in creation. If there’s a rule that can be broken in stand-up, I’ll do it.
When we say we want you to get in touch with your feminine side, we really mean you need to touch our clit.