Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 503
I used to think about Cindy Crawford; now, I think about leaving dishes in the sink overnight without a war breaking out.
Henry Ford, who despite his immense wealth never owned a Cadillac. Never got a dinner!
Three has always been tougher than Two. Think of any of your famous threesomes. The Three Stooges? Look at the anger there. My bet is that before Curly was born, Moe and Larry could play together for hours without even a single poke in the eye. Huey, Dewey, and Louie? Donald Duck never had a moment's peace. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly? I rest my case.
Now we have hands-free phones, so you can focus on the thing you're really supposed to be doing ... chances are, if you need both of your hands to do something, your brain should be in on it too.
We've had some fun tonight... considering we're all gonna die someday.
My wife and I have five children; the reason we have five children is because we do not want six.
In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.
For a short period of time, I was like, "I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them." And then eventually, I was like, "Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.
Think well of yourself and others will too. Unless those others are in government, banking, or show business.
Nicole Richie’s baby shower is going to be this Sunday at 12:30 in the afternoon. It should be a very special event - many of these people are going to be seeing each other for the first time in broad daylight.
For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
Diamonds are forever, but touching our clit can buy you two or three years.
I don't know who I touch and who I don't. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don't have any secrets. I don't know the reasons I've been so well received.