Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 503
The thing is girls will always say you're lying when you say you had sex with them when you're lying about having sex with them.
Did you hear the new phenomenon that's going on about... letting the boys decide if they want to get circumcised? It's like, OK, it shouldn't be up to the boy. It should be up to the girl, the one that's going to be fucking him in 15 years - that should be her decision.
You don't say 'we're suspending the campaign'! You can't say that! We didn't sus-, you can't, it's the democratic process! We didn't suspend it for 9/11, we didn't suspend it for Pearl Harbor, we didn't suspend it for the Nazis, we didn't suspend it for the damn British! We don't do that in America! We don't! There's no suspending the campaign! Democracy first!
I like my mom's cooking a little better than my girlfriend's. But I don't tell my girlfriend that. I tell my girlfriend her cooking sucks.
I’m a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.
The married man has all but eliminated that worry from his life, simply because his wife knows all about him: the good, the bad, and the tiny.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
You might be a redneck if your 'huntin dog' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.
Sobriety worked for me but I have so much clarity now I hate myself even more.
I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally...erotically caressing each other...on the hood of a car...or the back of a movie theater...