Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 505

I never had inspirations to be in this movie business. I was always a stand up comedian, that’s what I am more than anything.

There is a slim difference between putting on a condom and fucking a balloon.

I'm trying to appeal to the disenfranchised everybody, not just specifically gay.

Without liberals we wouldn't have unions. We wouldn't have environmental protections. We wouldn't have seat belts or birth control or the ACLU! Any of these things!

The Great British seagulls, they are fucking huge! You see 'em with feathers rolled up, fucking tattoos. There's always one with a gammy leg. They're on mobile's now. It's like, "Chips, chips, two o' clock." They come up to you and are like, "Oy! Monkey Boy! Giz a fuckin' chip!"

When you only make $3000 a year in social security, it's hard to be a philanthropist.

I don't know who I touch and who I don't. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don't have any secrets. I don't know the reasons I've been so well received.

It isn’t about understanding, it’s about not giving up.

See, I had some drugs and shit right now, I wouldn't give a fuck. But I'd come off stage, and I still wouldn't give a fuck. Then, by the time you're 50, a lotta 'no-givin-a-fuck', you missed part your life.

The program is nearly over! I can feel the audience is still with me but if I run faster I can shake them off.

Its probably lower than that, but I doubt very much it's zero, ... It's a large number of Americans dying each year.

All my other relationships with men, there was so much maneuvering and strategic decisions and stuff.

I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing me.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."