Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 505

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"

Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

Stand-up is the kind of gig that'll show you where you're at.

There's something very refreshing about being on stage.

I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.

Why did the 14-year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.

I live in L.A. Now.

Religion to me is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.

Hello. And welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. The points here are kind of like Canada.

You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers... I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!

Rise and grind... the money ain't gonna wait for you while you sleep son.

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.