Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 505
There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.
I was lucky I wasn't a better boxer, or that's what I'd be now - a punchy ex-pug.
I buy about $1,500 worth of papers every month. Not that I trust them. I'm looking for the crack in the fabric.
Because I am afraid of commitment. This movie certainly has some bearing and is some reflection of my real feeling about relationships, because I do have commitment issues. My friends tell me I have intimacy problems, but they don't know me, so who cares what they think?
Just hit the blunt one time and see if it don't change your perception on whats important in your life.
Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location.
I was the class clown at school, but at home, my family wasn't very funny.
Once a year my back will go out and it'll be... it's like a sciatic thing and it's the smallest thing. Like I could be leaning over the sink to brush my teeth in a weird way and it happens.
Don’t try to give a funny opinion; give your opinion in a way that will be funny.
It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you're caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove my point.
I never had an aversion because I was active in the drama club. If I had that aversion I certainly wouldn't put myself in the position of being on stage. Of course, in the drama club you're hiding behind a character.
The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.