Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 505

I cannot tell a joke. But I can do a situation, that it becomes a joke.

So I called back, "Ya, I have ten boxes and... no I'm another guy. Ya and they all weigh exactly 22 pounds, and they all have a girth of... three." "Three what?" "Three... girth units."

Comedy is a very approval-oriented field.

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

Ain't no black people don't fuck with no bombs. We don't fit that profile. 'Cause you've got to be on time with a bomb.

I think the audience should take away that it’s okay to be smart, it’s okay to be funny and well-learned. You can be from academia and be funny; you don’t have to be an idiot.

My father was the guy on the block who said hi to everyone.

And my marriage was perfect when I wasn't famous.

Think well of yourself and others will too. Unless those others are in government, banking, or show business.

Your sins are what make you fantastic. It’s what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.

I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckng empty little heads off.

You must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all.

Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.