Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 506

This guy asked his doctor, 'Will I be able to play the piano after my operation?' And the doctor says 'Sure.' And the guy says, 'Funny, I couldn't do it before.'

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

You can't make money on Broadway. You make nothing. You maybe make like $1,350 a week after you pay out all the producers.

One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.

The man would box so good it'd make your dick hard!

For a dummy, you make a lot of sense.

If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you’ve lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.

I don't know who I touch and who I don't. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don't have any secrets. I don't know the reasons I've been so well received.

Words matter. Especially ones with four letters.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...

There's this big pie in show business, and you physically can't eat the whole pie. If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough. The real trick is not to try to get the whole pie, but to keep the biggest slice.

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.

I'd like to expand the definition of the word 'success' to include 'failure' as the one seems inseparable from the other.

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. "Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?"