Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 506

Marijuana: why forget something tomorrow when you can forget it today?

At least half of the Ten Commandments are stupid!

What if I couldn’t read? I wouldn’t be able to text my friends movie times or even order cheese biscuits from Red Lobster!

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Originality is really important.

Time flies, though, huh? But I feel young. And do you know how I stay feeling young, ladies and gentlemen? I'll share my secret with you: I live in a senior citizen retirement community.

You know what I like about George Bush? He makes me feel like I could be president, too. No, he does. He's like the first guy, like, from my reading level, you know... the first guy, like, from my math class to finally go out and do something!

I wanted to trust in my partners and the directors and producers and do the best I can to deliver what I could deliver.

Maybe they should name more drugs cute things. I don’t do meth, but maybe if they called meth ‘Stefanie’ I would!

I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally...erotically caressing each other...on the hood of a car...or the back of a movie theater...

Comedy Central made their own awards show. They were named best comedy channel.

A technique I developed quite naturally to help me make smooth transitions was to use a word or phrase from the next routine in the preceding one.

So I called back, "Ya, I have ten boxes and... no I'm another guy. Ya and they all weigh exactly 22 pounds, and they all have a girth of... three." "Three what?" "Three... girth units."

I'm trying to appeal to the disenfranchised everybody, not just specifically gay.

There's a big difference between the National Book Awards and the Academy Awards. At the Academy Awards you can feel the greed and envy and ego. Whereas the National Book Awards are in New York.