Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 506

Men are only as loyal as their options.

I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that.

Entrepreneurs with disabilities are overwhelmingly successful.

And even though this marker smelt like an asshole and you just saw Jesus's eyes, there was still a kid following you around. "Can I smell? Can I smell? What does it smell? I didn't get a..." "Can I..." And then he would aggravate you until you were like "Here, fine, smell it!" And when he leaned in, you go "A-ha-ha-ha-ha, nice face!" "I'm going to go puke blood! What are you? What are you?!"

At least half of the Ten Commandments are stupid!

You might be a redneck if your 'huntin dog' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.

The most impressive thing about President Obama's State of the Union speech last night was that he did the whole thing without a single drink of water.

Time flies, though, huh? But I feel young. And do you know how I stay feeling young, ladies and gentlemen? I'll share my secret with you: I live in a senior citizen retirement community.

I didn't apply to different schools. I wasn't really sure what I was going to do.

My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.

I never know what I'm going to say as I walk up to the microphone. I try to be in the moment. I try to go deeper into myself. I discover things on stage that I don't discover off stage about me.

Once a year my back will go out and it'll be... it's like a sciatic thing and it's the smallest thing. Like I could be leaning over the sink to brush my teeth in a weird way and it happens.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.