Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 506

When on guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case. Ten people see him it's a cult. Ten million people see him it's a respected religion.

You don’t even know what they’re selling until the very end: three rabbits are on a log, and one of them goes home and hangs himself - 'Buy a bike!'

I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.

I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No... got any Snapple?'

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.

I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.

So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for fuck all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard.

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

Ultimately, it's the best decision I've ever made in my life. There's an economy of energy that you have in your life. You just have to devote it to things that are good for you, for the most part, that's more constructive than drinking. And one of them doesn't end in uncontrollable vomiting and crying...

A polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

Keep thy religion to thyself.

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, I wanna grow up and be a critic.

I couldn't imagine not having clean water.