Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 506
That’s the one thing I have over any twenty-one-year-old: a proud history of accumulated neuroses. That's the game in which I'm da man.
A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."
You can't even go to Heaven if you get killed by Spinach, you can't even go. You don't even know what to tell Jesus. You Just 'You know what Jesus, I did have a salad, I really Did I-- I Didn't know what I was thinking about.
Stand-up comedy - I love this job, and I gotta tell you, folks - knock wood - it's been working. 'Cause I was one of those kind of people, even when I had a regular job, I couldn't even call in sick right. You know, I was like, 'Hello? Yeah, I can't come in today. I have scurvy.'
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
You know, there's nothing more interesting than seeing a bunch of racists become confused and angry at a speech they're not quite certain what he's saying.
You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.
Everybody's got a different sense of humor. It's just different styles.
I'm a big guy, but I'm really simple with the food. I'll hit the In-N-Out or just the regular buffets.
I don't get controversial, I don't get political and I don't tell you what to do with your life. I just go out there and tell some stories, and people can relate.
Jason Alexander is a committed actor, he went from working on a show about nothing to actually doing nothing.
We can only comment on what we've seen, and what we've seen from the Chilean government is nothing at all.
By the way, could you get that look off your face? 'Cause I'm going a lot further then I'm already at right now. Y'know, you can stand on the curb and get on the bus, but I'm fucking driving.