Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 516

Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol.

Wow! Lee, we got a big ass problem.

We can place a product, virtually any size, in almost any location. It really depends on what the program and the video in each individual episode provides in terms of a logical or contextual background.

I'm just not interested in daytime television, which is something you should remember the next time somebody offers you a daytime talk show.

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

No one’s trying to get with jugglers.

Mad cow disease, monkey pox, bird flu, mosquito viruses - did the animal kingdom have a meeting? "Who here is tired of being food and clothing? ... Cows, get on it... Moo!"

You might be a redneck if you know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.

I like my mom's cooking a little better than my girlfriend's. But I don't tell my girlfriend that. I tell my girlfriend her cooking sucks.

If you want to test cosmetics, why do it on some poor animal who hasn't done anything? They should use prisoners who have been convicted of murder or rape instead. So, rather than seeing if perfume irritates a bunny rabbit's eyes, they should throw it in Charles Manson's eyes and ask him if it hurts.

You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.

You knew at some point that he was supposed to win. He had all the right ingredients that came together at the right time. He's tall, good looking, articulate, highly intelligent, smooth under pressure, charismatic and, most importantly, he was the right shade. He made white people feel comfortable. 'Cause you all know if that nigger was Bernie Mac black or 'Precious' purple, he wouldn't have won. He's like coffee with cream; it goes down easy. You ever have coffee black? It's too strong.

I do have hair; the hair is just not everywhere. I realize it's really just at the holes: my nose, my ears, my butt. I'm like a tub: just sheer white porcelain, and then a clump of hair at the drain.