Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 516

I'm like a Dilbert cartoon.

I'm living in a very modest place. I have a room over-looking beautiful Claridge's Hotel. I thought it was better than paying Claridge's prices and overlooking the dump I'm living in.

I immediately fire back to them; I write 'sysph.' And they write back and go, 'What does sysph mean?' And I write back, 'Shut your stinking pie hole.'

One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.

Halftime at the Super Bowl is the best because halftime at the Super Bowl has gotten exponentially worse every year. I use the word 'exponentially' because I was taught it in math class and that was the first sentence I could use it in. 'Exponentially worse' means crappier and crappier and crappier.

I have so much on my mind yet so little to say.

Many television weather-women were one abusive parent away from prostitution.

The average person has one fallopian tube.

Beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. It's about knowing and accepting who you are.

People Sinatra should have sung with? Slayer.

We hate our national anthem. Because it’s “God Save the Queen,” you see?... Now the Queen lives in a very big house. She has barbed wire outside and people with guns in front of that. That’s one saved fucking queen, I’ll tell you!

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.

We speak English and Spanish at the same time. “Ay, que cute.”

Evaluate every performance on: stage presence, concentration, delivery, material and lessons learned.