Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 516

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they’re accurate as well.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

Hey! Leave the door open will ya? The flies haven’t been out all day.

Things are so scary and intimidating with AIDS and the right wing that people are looking for somebody to just give them safe harbors.

Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you’ll never see the same show twice, because I don’t like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

I live in L.A. Now.

You must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all.

I started out in this industry with standup comedy and it got me to the movies, but it’s something I love to do and it’s something I’m enjoying coming back to.

I wanna say something about my baby, Aimee. The IRS says I have to; I pay her $20,000 as a writer.

Now, we're Americans. Technically, who is from this country? Only the Indians, who we graciously let dwell on their native casinos.

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

On many young actors that don't give their parents proper credit: I'm still waiting for some actor to win, say, an Oscar... and deliver the following acceptance speech: I would like to thank my parents, first of all, for letting me live.