Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 516
Gradual school is where you go to school and you gradually find out you don't want to go to school anymore.
I see guys dressing like they're in college - and they're not. I don't want to be that guy.
You never think when you're a little girl that you're going to grow up and be the whore. When I was a little girl, I was like, "Oh my god, I'm gonna wait 'til I go to college to lose my virginity." I had all these big dreams. Then the third grade just ended up being such a nutty year.
My neighbor says being gay is biological. And the reason she gives is she says, “I knew I was gay since I was five years old.” Five. I don’t know about you, but when I was five, I’d fuck a guy, fuck a girl, fuck a guy, fuck a girl. I was all over the map. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I didn’t figure that out until I was nine.
President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?.
They got special terms that they use when they're pregnant. They don't even say "pregnant", got special words they use - "I'm expecting". Expecting what? "I'm expecting a child, silly." Well, then, you probably got a good shot!
Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe - dare I dream it? - maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.
There are no fights in Ireland, people just get so drunk they go, "Goddamn, ya sonofabitch!" and pass out. And there's no Alcoholics Anonymous there, because if there's a meeting, it's always at the bar.
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
I didn't need the elf outfit to play an elf; I could just play an elf.
Show business is my life. When I was a kid I sold insurance, but nobody laughed.
There are no black people in Iraq, so how will they know who to shoot at?
I never had an aversion because I was active in the drama club. If I had that aversion I certainly wouldn't put myself in the position of being on stage. Of course, in the drama club you're hiding behind a character.