Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 516
I'm trying to appeal to the disenfranchised everybody, not just specifically gay.
To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.
Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. The pilgrims came here with the best intentions. They decided to flee an oppressive people and move to a new land. Where they thrived. And became an oppressive people. You get certain people on the same continent, there's going to be a problem. Pilgrims and Indians. Protestants, Catholics. My family, anybody else's family.
Someone called all the newspapers in New York and told them I'd died. I've been told by almost everyone it was an ex-wife - I've had a few so it's hard to pinpoint which one - but who knows for sure?
I woke up one morning, got dressed, and my wife asked me, “Where you going?”, I said, “I’ve got my yearly physical today.” “I’ll go with you!” OK, how boring is your day? I’d never go with her to her physical! Seen it! It’s not like we’d be breaking any new ground! It’s not like I’d go, “Hey Doc, what’s that?”
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...
Gradual school is where you go to school and you gradually find out you don't want to go to school anymore.
My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.
I listened to my first comedy album in 6th grade. It was Bill Cosby. My brother and I would play it over and over on a Fisher Price record player. A friend in high school also introduced me to Richard Pryor. I wasn’t writing material back then, but I would say funny stuff. I was good at making fun of people’s moms. If I knew something personal about you, it would be used against you.
I'm living in a very modest place. I have a room over-looking beautiful Claridge's Hotel. I thought it was better than paying Claridge's prices and overlooking the dump I'm living in.
We claim we believe in compassion, which is an abstract, and when it's personified we discredit the man.