Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 517
They said I was worth $500 million. If I was worth that much, I wouldn't have visited Vietnam, I'd have sent for it.
I know every time I fly, I get checked twice: they stop me at security, and then, they get me again at the gate. And last time, it was so bad, they actually made me go through the machine with the luggage.
I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
If you want to test cosmetics, why do it on some poor animal who hasn't done anything? They should use prisoners who have been convicted of murder or rape instead. So, rather than seeing if perfume irritates a bunny rabbit's eyes, they should throw it in Charles Manson's eyes and ask him if it hurts.
Rip as we know is vastly experienced and funnier than I think anyone knew. The show really reveals him to be a brilliant comedic actor.
There are no fights in Ireland, people just get so drunk they go, "Goddamn, ya sonofabitch!" and pass out. And there's no Alcoholics Anonymous there, because if there's a meeting, it's always at the bar.
I never know what I'm going to say as I walk up to the microphone. I try to be in the moment. I try to go deeper into myself. I discover things on stage that I don't discover off stage about me.
Don’t try to give a funny opinion; give your opinion in a way that will be funny.
The first time I was on TV, on “Flight of the Conchords,” someone put up a YouTube clip and said, ‘You’re too ugly to be on TV.’ And I was like, ‘That is exactly why it’s a good thing that I’m on TV.’
The thing about hipsters is that they take very seriously trying to make themselves look like they don’t take themselves seriously.
Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.