Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 517
I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
With comedians, you have that understanding that we're trying to get laughs.
If it had just been some femme fatale, I think this whole thing could have been settled. You know, if it had just been like a beautiful woman.
The great thing about having a small family is that there are fewer people to disappoint.
I didn't belong when I was in high school. Now people are trying to buy lips.
The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn’t it?
Barack's in office; it feels good to be black now. When O.J. was in court it did not feel good to be black. People like, 'Are you black?' I'm like, 'I'm Creole, get out of my face.'
The better alternative to fighting a guy, go have sex with his girlfriend. That's how you knock a dude out!
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.