Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 517

She goes, 'No, this is really good for his immune system.' I said 'Two years? I think at this time, we can safely dunk him in a bucket of polio.'

I never care what people think of me, especially myself.

The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. "D-D-D-Dave Dave." What? "K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa…" Write it down!

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

Why are there braille dots on the keypads at drive up ATMs?

I cannot tell a joke. But I can do a situation, that it becomes a joke.

Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.

And my girlfriend, she's fat! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches - one for each time zone!

One of the best pieces of advice my mother gave me was "Make your bed in other people's homes. That way you get invited back."

She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'

There's this big pie in show business, and you physically can't eat the whole pie. If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough. The real trick is not to try to get the whole pie, but to keep the biggest slice.

I have so much to say when I'm driving and I only have a horn. A horn don't say enough. A horn just goes, "screeeeeeeew yooooooou!" Right? I want a microphone. A microphone with a speaker on top, like the cops got. You can have 'em, too. Freedom of speech includes volume.

4th of July is the perfect holiday if you think America has too many fingers...

Live life to the fullest everyday, 'cause we never know what day will be our last.

What do you come out on the news saying? 'We want to be treated like equals in the workplace.' No you don't. You want to be treated like a woman in the workplace, and you want to get paid like an equal. That's what you want. Because when men treat you like equals, what do you do? You send us to sensitivity training, bitch. That's what you do.