Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 517
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my 87 birthday. I tell them a paternity suit.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
I keep telling people I’ll make movies until I’m fifty and then I’ll go and do something else. I’m going to be a professional gentleman of leisure.
I'm trying to appeal to the disenfranchised everybody, not just specifically gay.
Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar.
We're told to go on living our lives as usual, because to do otherwise is to let the terrorists win, and really, what would upset the Taliban more than a gay woman wearing a suit in front of a room full of Jews?
Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. The pilgrims came here with the best intentions. They decided to flee an oppressive people and move to a new land. Where they thrived. And became an oppressive people. You get certain people on the same continent, there's going to be a problem. Pilgrims and Indians. Protestants, Catholics. My family, anybody else's family.
If I get busted in New York, the freest city in the world, that will be the end of my career.
Gradual school is where you go to school and you gradually find out you don't want to go to school anymore.
Hello. And welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. The points here are kind of like Canada.
I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
I listened to my first comedy album in 6th grade. It was Bill Cosby. My brother and I would play it over and over on a Fisher Price record player. A friend in high school also introduced me to Richard Pryor. I wasn’t writing material back then, but I would say funny stuff. I was good at making fun of people’s moms. If I knew something personal about you, it would be used against you.