Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 515

I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight - and that was just their hair.

My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it.'

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken.

What planet are you from?

Pixar has announced Larry the Cable Guy will be starring in Cars 3 thru 6. Howie Mandel will be playing his sidekick, Mopey the Moped.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

If it had just been some femme fatale, I think this whole thing could have been settled. You know, if it had just been like a beautiful woman.

I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.

The better alternative to fighting a guy, go have sex with his girlfriend. That's how you knock a dude out!

I have so much to say when I'm driving and I only have a horn. A horn don't say enough. A horn just goes, "screeeeeeeew yooooooou!" Right? I want a microphone. A microphone with a speaker on top, like the cops got. You can have 'em, too. Freedom of speech includes volume.