Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 515
You hear entertainers all the time, saying, 'If I couldn't get paid for this, I'd do it for free.' When's the last time you ever heard a business person say, 'If I couldn't get paid for being chairman of British Petroleum, I'd do it for free'?
The most impressive thing about President Obama's State of the Union speech last night was that he did the whole thing without a single drink of water.
Some authors write in first person and others write in third person. But I'm writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: 'I heard from this guy who told somebody....'
I do have hair; the hair is just not everywhere. I realize it's really just at the holes: my nose, my ears, my butt. I'm like a tub: just sheer white porcelain, and then a clump of hair at the drain.
Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe - dare I dream it? - maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.
I didn't apply to different schools. I wasn't really sure what I was going to do.
When you do television, there's more to do, and when you do new television, there's a lot more to do, especially when you don't have partner. I miss not having that person.
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
However, even under the best of circumstances, four-year graduation rates for the next few years will be substantially lower than those in the three provinces.
You just have to keep driving down the road. It's going to bend and curve and you'll speed up and slow down, but the road keeps going.
Show business is my life. When I was a kid I sold insurance, but nobody laughed.
The balls are the posse of the penis. While the penis is inside you, making you happy, the balls are outside working security. It's a velvet rope situation. No one can get in now. Finger, not tonight. There's another club around the block, it's a little dirty, but I think you can squeeze in.
You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.
There are no black people in Iraq, so how will they know who to shoot at?