Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 515

John Kerry made a mistake of saying something embarrassing while a microphone was on. And now he's been backpedaling. So now he's hired a guy and his sole job is to make sure John Kerry's microphone is off. It's the same guy that used to watch Clinton's fly.

Did you hear the new phenomenon that's going on about... letting the boys decide if they want to get circumcised? It's like, OK, it shouldn't be up to the boy. It should be up to the girl, the one that's going to be fucking him in 15 years - that should be her decision.

I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.

You know what they should call this war - Son of Bush vs. Son of a Bitch.

I like going into nature and that's where I'm happiest.

I like my mom's cooking a little better than my girlfriend's. But I don't tell my girlfriend that. I tell my girlfriend her cooking sucks.

A fart is just your arse applauding.

I think we all feel the same things most of the time, we just don't know how to put it into words. When I'm on stage, I say it. The truth makes people laugh.

Maybe it's weird, but I don't feel in any way, shape or form that I'm taking over his show.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

How about we work out a plan at my apartment and dinner should be around. So we can just do both.

Is it like gay men go into the priesthood because they figure, "Well, this'll solve my problem. I can't be a homosexual in the priesthood; it'll just go away. Maybe I'll try it with the Republican Party."

This year, I just might achieve my goal of losing interest in absolutely everything. Not that I care...

I said to my husband, my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs. He said, "Blue goes with everything."