Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 515
I went up to the camp and Paul had me eat my first oyster I had never had an oyster in my life. And he convinced me to eat one. And it was horrible and it was exciting. And I thought, this will be gross and I'll have a story: I had my first oyster with Paul Newman.
The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?
My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.
I’m the co-author of two relatively popular relationship books…Because of that I’m asked questions quite a bit… Questions about the relationships the person is in. Generally, it’s a woman. Generally, the answers are pretty easy. “I’ve been seeing this guy, Greg. And he doesn’t call.” He doesn’t like you. That’s it. We don’t have to say any more… They’ll say, “Greg, my boyfriend is married…” Say that back to yourself.
John Kerry made a mistake of saying something embarrassing while a microphone was on. And now he's been backpedaling. So now he's hired a guy and his sole job is to make sure John Kerry's microphone is off. It's the same guy that used to watch Clinton's fly.
I can work as a writer, but I wanted to do stand-up. And I knew I could, at worst, work as a stand-up. And I like to travel, and I knew I wanted to do an hour special, so in order to get ready for that, I had to hit the road.
Everything is awesome... Everything is cool when you're a part of a team...
I wanted to trust in my partners and the directors and producers and do the best I can to deliver what I could deliver.
It's an ongoing joke that a black man is always the first one to get killed in movies.
Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol.