Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 515
My grandma. She’s into Scrabble. What’s with grandmas and Scrabble? She loves to play. And her vocabulary is, like, way gooder.
There's lotion for your face, for your hands, for your feet, for your body. Why? What would happen if you put hand lotion on your feet? Would your feet get confused and start clapping? Each kind has something special in it - aloe, shea butter, coconut, cocoa butter, vanilla, lemon extract. That's not lotion. That's one ingredient short of a Bundt cake.
Someone called all the newspapers in New York and told them I'd died. I've been told by almost everyone it was an ex-wife - I've had a few so it's hard to pinpoint which one - but who knows for sure?
The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood.
If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you’ve lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.
I got a gay roommate. I got ground rules. I’m like, “You got to stay on your side of the shower.” And if he doesn’t, no more back rubs.
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...
We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.
I knew something was wrong with the economy when the shampoo girl at my salon closed on a six bedroom house.
I have so much to say when I'm driving and I only have a horn. A horn don't say enough. A horn just goes, "screeeeeeeew yooooooou!" Right? I want a microphone. A microphone with a speaker on top, like the cops got. You can have 'em, too. Freedom of speech includes volume.
Live life to the fullest everyday, 'cause we never know what day will be our last.